


Padfoot’s Pages:  A Study of Sirius Black (Harry Potter Saga)

by The Corellian Pirate (Turhaya_Hundteth)



Series: The Literary Analysis Series [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Analysis, Azkaban, Character Analysis, Character Study, Childhood Trauma, Death, Fanfiction, Inner Dialogue, Literary Theory, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Muggle/Wizard Relations, Muggles, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Post-Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Pureblood Culture (Harry Potter), Purebloods (Harry Potter), eulogy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:07:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27132238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turhaya_Hundteth/pseuds/The%20Corellian%20Pirate
Summary: In this post, we’ll look at Sirius Black through a combination of a timeline, thematic considerations, and creative works.Please be warned that this work contains adult themes, bad language, and dark subject matter. You may find my take on Sirius to be irreverent. Racy. Morbid. Disturbing. Even offensive.It’s not for young readers, and even some older readers might find parts a little hard to get through.But, if you’re a Marauder at heart, fancy yourself a bit of a daredevil, and feel like jumping into Black’s motorbike boots with me for a while, you might just enjoy it.If the risk is what makes it fun for you, let’s solemnly swear to get up to no good, and look at life through Padfoot’s eyes…
Series: The Literary Analysis Series [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1910779
Kudos: 6





	1. Introduction: A Dog’s Eye View

  
Sirius Black. Beloved Marauder.

Smart, funny, sassy, talented and handsome. Loves motorbikes, and Muggle girls in bikinis. My type of man. No wonder he’s my favourite character in the series. And I’m not alone – Sirius is adored by many. Because of Harry’s closeness with his godfather, we as readers were treated to a character who was easy to fall in love with.

However, there’s more to Padfoot than meets the eye. There are subtleties we can take from the Harry Potter Saga that shed new perspective on his actions and motivations.

Taking some time to revisit events from another character’s perspective can radically change the way we read the Potter books, because we normally get Harry’s viewpoint of events. And let’s face it – there are times when Harry is a young, clueless, git. His opinion is often based on partial bits of information and is always weighted by the emotional impressions of a teenager.

Harry’s assumptions, and the chronological order in which he receives information, can make it hard to judge what other characters _really_ think and feel. Especially adult characters. They’re like the tips of icebergs, floating in Harry’s perceptive sea. They had rich lives before he was born, and they spend much time doing their own thing when Harry is at Hogwarts.

In this post, we’ll look at Sirius Black through a combination of a timeline, thematic considerations, and creative works.

For the timeline, we take as many known dates and events as we can and put them in order. Try and understand what Padfoot knew, and when he knew it. We look for patterns and anomalies.

Then, rather than considering events from Harry’s viewpoint, take all the facts we know about Sirius and try to see things from purely from his perspective. We look for the little clues left by JKR. All those tiny, seemingly insignificant details which can add up to a rich picture when we pull them all together thematically.

Lastly, I’ve also done some creative works which contextualise some of the themes and speculations. My way, I suppose, of paying homage to my favourite Potter character, as well as a handy tool to wrap my head around how small details from the books might play out if they were explored.

There’s no real point I’m trying to make with this piece. It’s not an essay. It’s open for interpretation. Art can be viewed many ways; one of the glorious qualities of the Harry Potter series – it’s always open to another reading. My only hope is that you find something enjoyably new in the books next time you open the pages. Maybe even love Sirius a little more than you did before you read this post. I know I do after writing it.

**Please be warned that this work contains adult themes, bad language, and dark subject matter.**

You may find my take on Sirius to be irreverent. Racy. Morbid. Disturbing. Even offensive.

It’s not for young readers, and even some older readers might find parts a little hard to get through.

But, if you’re a Marauder at heart, fancy yourself a bit of a daredevil, and feel like jumping into Black’s motorbike boots with me for a while, you might just enjoy it.

If the risk is what makes it fun for you, let’s solemnly swear to get up to no good, and look at life through Padfoot’s eyes…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Note on Song Lyrics:  
> Some of these chapters open with song lyrics, and I’ve left comments in the bottom notes section about each song and why I think it fits (apart from the words themselves). All the songs were released during Padfoot’s lifetime (1959 – 1996), and I suspect he may have enjoyed some of them as much as I do.


	2. I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up to No Good

  
_Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear. You are someone else, I am still right here._

_What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end._

_And you could have it all - my empire of dirt. I will let you down._

_I will make you hurt._

_If I could start again a million miles away, I will keep myself..._

_I would find a way…_

_\- Hurt_

_(Nine Inch Nails – The Downward Spiral, 1994)_

***

This is the timeline of Sirius Black. It will help us contextualise some of Sirius’ experiences. 

Let’s start with a quick overview:

  * His childhood was spent at Grimmauld Place with his parents until he was 11
  * He started at Hogwarts. He returned home during the holidays for the first four years of schooling. He got in trouble _a lot_
  * During his fifth year, he became an Animagus, and ran away from home (staying with the Potters during school holidays)
  * During his sixth year, he came of age, moved into his own place, and obtained his motorbike. Sirius had full adult independence during his final year at Hogwarts
  * After leaving Hogwarts, he spent four years living as a free man and fighting with the Order during the first wizarding war
  * His best friend marries, and he gets a godson for a year before tragedy strikes
  * The next twelve years were in Azkaban
  * Two years are spent on the run
  * His last year is back in Grimmauld Place serving the Order once more



Here’s Sirius’ full timeline using the dates we know.

**EVENT**

| 

**DATE**

| 

**AGE**  
  
---|---|---  
  
Sirius Black is born

| 

3 November 1959

| 

0  
  
Sirius turns 11

| 

Nov 1970

| 

11  
  
Starts first year of Hogwarts. Meets James.

| 

Sept 1971

| 

11  
  
Fifth year: Becomes and Animagus. Plays trick on Snape

| 

Sept 1975 (– June 1976)

| 

16*  
  
Fifth year: Runs away from home. Lives with Potters

| 

Nov 1975 – Sept 1976

| 

16  
  
Sixth year: Sirius comes of age

| 

Nov 1976

| 

17  
  
Sixth year: Inherits money and moves into his own home

| 

Nov 1976 (– Nov 1977)

| 

17  
  
Sith year: Buys motorbike and enchants it to fly. Escapes from Muggle police with James.

| 

Nov 1976 (– Nov 1977)

| 

17  
  
Starts final year at Hogwarts

| 

Sept 1977

| 

17  
  
Legal to drink in Muggle pubs

| 

Nov 1977

| 

18  
  
Final year at Hogwarts ends

| 

June 1978

| 

18  
  
Sirius is best man at Potter wedding

| 

June 1978 (– June 1979)

| 

19*  
  
Father and brother die

| 

1979

| 

19*  
  
Harry born. Sirius becomes a godfather

| 

July 1980

| 

20  
  
James and Lily die. Voldemort disappears

| 

Oct 1981

| 

21  
  
Sent to Azkaban without trial

| 

Nov 1981*

| 

22  
  
Mother dies. Grimmauld Place is abandoned

| 

1985

| 

26*  
  
Escape from Azkaban

| 

June 1993

| 

33  
  
Meets Harry, goes to the tropics

| 

June 1994

| 

34  
  
Flies north again, and goes back on the run

| 

Sept 1994

| 

34  
  
Moves to Hogsmeade cave

| 

April 1995*

| 

35  
  
Voldemort returns. Order reformed. Stays with Remus and goes into hiding

| 

June 1995

| 

35  
  
Moves back to Grimmauld Place

| 

July 1995*

| 

35  
  
Dies

| 

18 June 1996

| 

36  
  
*Approximate

A few points to note, which no doubt impacted the way Sirius viewed the world:

  * He was young when he left home, and highly independent
  * His life outside of Hogwarts was solely dedicated to the Order, and he had no other job
  * Padfoot spent far more time in prison than he did living as a free adult
  * He missed the years of peace between wizarding wars
  * Two thirds of his life after Azkaban were spent on the run out in the open
  * His only real quality time with Harry was during Harry’s first year, and during Sirius’ last



Sirius started on a rocky foundation, and it continued from there.

Although he was raised in a wealthy family, and we have no evidence that he was mistreated, his mother’s portrait must give you some idea of the kind of verbal spraying he must have copped for being different as a child:

“‘He was younger than me,’ said Sirius, ‘and a much better son, **as I was constantly reminded**.’”

I was reading an article in Psychology Today about verbal abuse in childhood and its effects, and I came across this paragraph which could easily have described life in Grimmauld Place:

_“Verbal abuse and aggression doesn’t take place in a vacuum—it poisons the family well and the springs that feed it. Adults who experienced verbal abuse in childhood often tell stories about siblings who joined in and bullied or scapegoated them. They describe fathers who stood by and said nothing as their mothers repeatedly marginalized and dismissed them.”_

<https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/tech-support/201611/the-enduring-pain-childhood-verbal-abuse>

Whatever happened in the Black household, it was enough for Sirius to feel the need to leave. After all, during his Hogwarts years, he was hardly at home anyway.

In Muggles, childhood issues like this can lead to problems in adult life, and there’s a stack of studies on the internet citing everything from under-developed sense of self, to anger issues, and an increased propensity for alcoholism.

Then there’s Azkaban. The mentally scarring hell hole to end all hell holes. Twelve years, out of the life of a man who died in his mid-thirties, is a bloody big chunk of time.

11 years of unhappy childhood. Almost 12 years in Azkaban. 2 years on the run, occasionally living off rats. That’s 25 out of 36 years spent in misery. Of the remaining time, you have 4 years with the Order during the first wizarding war, surrounded by death, and 1 year stuck in Grimmauld Place during the second wizarding war. That only leaves Hogwarts, and I’m sure school was not without its problems.

Overall, Sirius did not have a happy life.

But not all of it was misery…

He had his friends. He was a member of the Order of the Phoenix and enjoyed a small taste of life as a free man. He had his godson.

Sirius would have no doubt been carrying an awful lot of mental weight. That burden would have coloured the way he saw things, but he didn’t turn into a psychological mess either. At the end of the day, and after everything he’d been through, Sirius remained positive.

We have one clue that Sirius was hopeful about the future – his last will and testament.

Sirius leaves _everything_ to Harry. I know he’s the kid’s godfather, but Harry has enough money to look after himself. I’m sure Sirius cared about other people too. Remus was broke… It’s curious that he left _absolutely nothing_ to any of his friends.

It’s possible Sirius had decided to leave Harry everything he owned the minute Harry was born. But apart from being a dutiful godfather, he could have made his will with the notion that he would be an old man when he died, and his friends would probably be dead too.

In other words, Sirius was possibly hoping to live to a ripe old age.

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hurt (Nine Inch Nails – The Downward Spiral, 1994)
> 
> I’ve always adored Nine Inch Nails. In particular, the raw, industrial sounds, and Trent Reznor’s soul-snatching lyrics and sensually pained vocals. The Downward Spiral was a monster of an album during the 90’s. Emotionally charged, boundary pushing, and dark as fuck. Ironically, it was also popular as hell - everybody was into it.
> 
> However, Trent Reznor wasn’t in a particularly good place when the album was written, and its subject matter is deep and difficult. It was soul spilling. Reznor says:  
> “Exploring areas of your brain that you don’t want to go to, that’s painful. You write something down and you go, ‘Fuck. I can’t say that. I don’t want people to know that.’ It’s so naked and honest that you’re scared to let it out. You’re giving a part of your soul away, exposing part of yourself.”  
> https://www.loudersound.com/features/the-downward-spiral-how-trent-reznor-made-his-journey-into-the-heart-of-darkness
> 
> I also like that fact that when you mention the song Hurt, most people immediately think of Johnny Cash, who had great success with his cover in 2002. But the real genius behind Hurt was a disturbed, brooding, tall, handsome, dark-haired, intelligent, young man. A young man who was always on the frontiers of the darkness and personal truth. I’m also quite pleased at the fact that this song was released in 1994 – the year Sirius met Harry in the Shrieking Shack, and the end to Padfoot’s own downward spiral.


	3. Just Like Your Godfather

_I am an anti-Christ! I am an anarchist!  
Don't know what I want, but I know how to get it. I want to destroy the passer-by._

_'Cause I want to be anarchy!  
No dog’s body!_

_-_ _Anarchy in the UK_

_(The Sex Pistols – Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols, 1977)_

***

One thing jumped out at me when I looked at Sirius’ timeline - how similar his childhood had been to Harry’s. Throughout the books we get numerous comparisons between James and Harry, but until I laid out Padfoot’s timeline, I didn’t understand just how alike Harry and Black really are:

  * Grows up in a house that he hates (like Harry)
  * Rough relationship with his guardians (like Harry)
  * His brother is favoured (like Diddykins)
  * Continuously berated if Mrs Black’s portrait is anything to go by (Need I say it? Vernon…)
  * His family hate him because of his affiliation with the other side of the Muggle-wizard divide



Let’s take a closer look at this wonky childhood:

“‘But . . . why did you . . .?’

‘Leave?’ Sirius smiled bitterly and ran a hand through his long, unkempt hair. ‘ **Because I hated the whole lot of them: my parents, with their pure-blood mania** , convinced that to be a Black made you practically royal . . . **my idiot brother** , soft enough to believe them . . . that’s him.’”

Harry and Sirius both represent the very thing the rest of the household hates. Sounds highly unpleasant. And bigoted:

“‘Come on, Harry, haven’t you seen enough of this house to tell **what kind of wizards my family were**?’ said Sirius testily.

‘Were — were your parents Death Eaters as well?’

‘No, no, but believe me, they thought Voldemort had the right idea, **they were all for the purification of the Wizarding race, getting rid of Muggle-borns and having purebloods in charge**. They weren’t alone either, there were quite a few people, before Voldemort showed his true colours, who thought he had the right idea about things. . .. **They got cold feet when they saw what he was prepared to do to get power, though**. But I bet my parents thought Regulus was a right little hero for joining up at first.’”

They weren’t entirely evil, but neither was Umbridge, and she was a vile Muggle-hater. I mean, look at Mrs Black’s portrait. Not exactly welcoming.

Kreacher’s parroted beliefs reflect what Mr and Mrs Black would have said while they were alive. Even after Sirius is dead, Kreacher drops an array of them in Deathly Hallows, when he embarks on Regulus’ tale:

“‘Master Sirius ran away, **good riddance** , for he was a **bad boy** and **broke my mistress’s heart** with his **lawless ways**. But Master **Regulus had proper pride** ; he knew what was **due to the name of Black** and the **dignity of his pure blood**. For years he talked of the **Dark Lord** , who was going **to bring the wizards out of hiding to rule the Muggles and the Muggle-borns** … and when he was sixteen years old, Master Regulus joined the Dark Lord. So proud, **so proud, so happy to serve** …”

Despite being raised by dark wizards, and the rest of the house detesting him, Sirius grows up rebelliously normal. He’s a very smart kid, and clearly skilled. McGonagall describes both Black and Potter as “exceptionally bright”, which is high praise from the stern Deputy Headmistress. Slughorn laments not collecting Padfoot as part of his Slug Club:

“The whole Black family had been in my House, but Sirius ended up in Gryffindor! Shame — **he was a talented boy**.”

Sirius draws his own ethical lines. He is surprisingly grounded all things considered (like Harry). Harry is as un-Dursleyish as Sirius is un-Blackish.

Sirius did have some examples of un-Blackish behaviour growing up which he could draw on.

Uncle Alphard left him gold, causing Sirius’ mum to blast him off the family tree. ‘Alphard’ means ‘solitary one’. Sirius’ uncle grew up in Grimmauld Place. His mum’s brother. Alphard would have known exactly what it was like to live there and was probably a bit of a rebel himself.

A rebel much like Padfoot’s favourite older cousin, Andromeda Tonks. Andromeda married a Muggle-born, also causing her to be blasted from the tapestry, and was probably a big influence on Sirius as a child:

“‘You and Tonks are related?’ Harry asked, surprised.

‘Oh yeah, her mother, **Andromeda, was my favourite cousin** ,’ said Sirius, examining the tapestry carefully.

‘Andromeda’s sisters are still here because they made lovely, respectable pure-blood marriages, but **Andromeda married a Muggleborn** , Ted Tonks, so —’”

The rebellion, and the trend of being like Harry, continues as Padfoot hits Hogwarts:

  * Goes into Gryffindor (like Harry)
  * Meets James (best friend and proxy family) on the Hogwarts Express (like Harry meets Ron)
  * Starts decorating his room to further highlight his difference to the household (like Harry pins up Hogwarts banners at Privet Drive)
  * Spends his holidays at his mate’s house (like Harry at The Burrow)
  * Troublemaker and perpetual rule breaker (like Harry)
  * Has Snape as a continuing Slytherin enemy (“not unlike yourself and Mr Malfoy”)



His determination not to be like his family was apparent from the first time he stepped foot on the Hogwarts Express:

“‘Who wants to be in Slytherin? I think I’d leave, wouldn’t you?’ James asked the boy lounging on the seats opposite him, and with a jolt, Harry realised that it was Sirius.

 **Sirius did not smile. ‘My whole family have been in Slytherin,’ he said**.

‘Blimey,’ said James, ‘and I thought you seemed all right!’

 **Sirius grinned. ‘Maybe I’ll break the tradition**. Where are you heading if you’ve got the choice?’”

If Sirius hates the Dark Arts due to his past, it’s no wonder he hates Snape at first sight. Padfoot says Snape was up to his eyeballs in the Dark Arts, and Black’s intimate knowledge of dark wizards, and the resultant pre-existing prejudice, meant they were immediate enemies. Harry hates Malfoy from the minute he comes across him in Madam Malkin’s, based on his own pre-existing notions (and experience) of what a spoiled bully looks like. Snape and Malfoy’s _desire_ to be in Slytherin makes them immediately deplorable to Black and Potter.

As he grows, Padfoot’s rebellious personality, and rejection of pure-blood doctrine, start manifesting in his decorating tastes:

“ **The room was spacious** and must, once, have been handsome… The teenaged Sirius had plastered the walls with **so many posters and pictures that little of the walls’ silvery-grey silk was visible**...

…There were **several large Gryffindor banners** , faded scarlet and gold, just to underline his difference from all the rest of the Slytherin family. **There were many pictures of Muggle motorcycles** , and also (Harry had to admire Sirius’s nerve) **several posters of bikini-clad Muggle girls** ; Harry could tell that they were Muggles because they remained quite stationary within their pictures, faded smiles and glazed eyes frozen on the paper. **This was in contrast to the only wizarding photograph** on the walls, which was a picture of four Hogwarts students standing arm in arm, laughing at the camera.”

That’s sounds like a lot of wall space, and therefore a lot of posters. Bikes. Babes. Gryffindor Banners. And only one wizarding photo among many Muggle posters. It’s curious Sirius has no wizarding posters – no wizard bands, no Quidditch teams. Nor is there a single football team or Black Sabbath poster in sight. It seems Sirius’ magazine tastes were fairly specific.

His rebellious streak also manifests in his personality at school:

“Lupin looked sideways at Sirius and then said, ‘Look, Harry, what you’ve got to understand is that your father and Sirius were the best in the school at whatever they did — **everyone thought they were the height of cool — if they sometimes got a bit carried away —** ’

**‘If we were sometimes arrogant little berks, you mean,’ said Sirius.**

…

‘Well . . . I thought he was a bit of an idiot.’

‘ **Of course he was a bit of an idiot!’ said Sirius bracingly. ‘We were all idiots!** Well — not Moony so much,’ he said fairly, looking at Lupin…”

And of course, his independence showed itself the most in his behaviour and attitude towards rules:

“Sirius, who was right beside Harry, let out his usual bark-like laugh. ‘No one would have made me a prefect, **I spent too much time in detention with James**. Lupin was the good boy, he got the badge.’”

Harry comes across many of Padfoot’s “various petty misdeeds” while doing detention with Snape in Half-Blood Prince:

“James Potter and Sirius Black. Apprehended using an illegal hex upon Bertram Aubrey. Aubrey’s head twice normal size. Double detention.”

McGonagall also describes the double-edged sword that is James and Sirius. Smart, but complete terrors:

**“Black and Potter. Ringleaders of their little gang. Both very bright, of course — exceptionally bright, in fact— but I don’t think we’ve ever had such a pair of troublemakers —”**

Quite a reputation. Only to be challenged by the notorious Weasley twins.

But Sirius was a good person like his godson. Rosmerta recounts her impressions of Black from his Hogwarts days:

“Do you know, **I still have trouble believing it** ,” said Madam Rosmerta thoughtfully. “ **Of all the people to go over to the Dark Side, Sirius Black was the last I’d have thought...** I mean, I remember him when he was a boy at Hogwarts. If you’d told me then what he was going to become, I’d have said you’d had too much mead.”

Even as an adult, Sirius shared experiences with Harry which only the two of them could understand:

  * Starvation and poverty
  * Being locked away in a small space and denied freedom
  * Your best friends losing their faith in you
  * Abject dislike of dementors
  * Everyone think you’re an un-hinged Muggle-killer, and a dangerous, dark wizard (remember when everyone thought Harry was the heir of Slytherin?)
  * The Ministry telling the wizarding world you’re a dirty, lying traitor



This similarity is highlighted when Percy writes to Ron during Order of the Phoenix, and tells Ron not to associate with Harry:

“And with a surge of sympathy for his godfather, Harry thought that **Sirius was probably the only person he knew who could really understand how he felt at the moment, because Sirius was in the same situation** ; nearly everyone in the Wizarding world thought Sirius a dangerous murderer and a great Voldemort supporter and he had had to live with that knowledge for fourteen years…”

James Potter had loving parents. He went home happily during the holidays. He was adored. He grew up in a small town. He wanted to follow his father’s footsteps into Gryffindor. Ironically, this sounds very much like Ron and his experience growing up in The Burrow. James and his family take in Sirius like another son, much as the Weasleys adopt Harry.

While Harry shares many traits with his father (mostly being physical), his upbringing and experiences mirror his godfather’s. I can’t help but think that much like Harry with Ron, Sirius would have been conspicuously aware of his differences with James. But he would have also understood how much Harry loved Ron and Hermione. Flitwick describes the closeness between James and Sirius:

“‘ **You’d have thought Black and Potter were brothers**!’ chimed in Professor Flitwick. ‘Inseparable!’

‘Of course they were,’ said Fudge. ‘ **Potter trusted Black beyond all his other friends** …’”

Sirius would have great empathy for Harry and would understand his upbringing, and the impact it can have on the way you view the world, and yourself.

Harry sought Sirius’ advice often and corresponded with him frequently. The nature of the content of those letters – including Harry’s fears and feelings – was probably not something he shared with everyone. Ron and Hermione maybe. Possibly Dumbledore. No one else.

More importantly, the empathy Sirius has for Harry, makes a vast difference in the type of advice he gives. Whenever Harry imagines his friend’s reaction to a situation, he figures Ron might say something non-committal (albeit supportive), and Hermione would rush off to the library and fuss.

Sirius understands Harry, and he proves it in Order of the Phoenix:

“ **Sirius, at least, seemed to understand how Harry was feeling** ; admittedly his letters were just as empty of proper news as Ron and Hermione’s, but at least they contained words of caution and consolation instead of tantalizing hints: ‘I know this must be frustrating for you…’ ‘Keep your nose clean and everything will be okay…’ ‘Be careful and don’t do anything rash…’”

The importance of this lifeline hits Harry after Sirius dies:

“‘It’s just hard,’ Harry said finally, in a low voice, ‘to realize he won’t write to me again.’”

Sirius was physically distant from Harry, but they were emotionally close. It’s why Kreacher knew to tell Voldemort that the one way to lure Harry to the Ministry was to use Sirius Black.

Padfoot might have even understood the complex relationship Harry had with Ron and the Weasleys, due to his friendship with James, and living briefly with the Potters. The angry exchange between Molly and Sirius in the Grimmauld Place kitchen shows they both care fiercely for Harry (and we’ll examine that scene in some detail later). Molly loves Harry, no doubt, but there are times when Harry is forced to draw a line between himself and Mrs Weasley.

Black tried desperately to build a relationship with Harry, visiting via fireplaces any chance he could get, and contacting him as often as possible. He intimately knew the personality traits of both his godson’s parents. Sirius understood what Harry had been through as a child, and what his years at Hogwarts would have been like. Padfoot appreciated how suffering can force a child to grow up fast.

Importantly, Sirius understood Harry because he had _experienced life in the same way_ as Harry.

And they’d both experienced some highly unpleasant shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anarchy in the UK - (The Sex Pistols – Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols, 1977)
> 
> 1977 was the year Sirius had his independence. The year he bought his own place and his motorbike with his uncle’s inheritance money. It was his first year as a wizard who had come of age. Sid Vicious, probably the most infamous of the band, was played by none other than Gary Oldman in the biopic Sid and Nancy (1986). Apart from the song accurately reflecting Sirius’ tendencies towards anarchy (and the term ‘dog’s body’ made it hard to resist), the album is a UK punk rock classic. Infamous and rebellious.
> 
> ‘Never mind the bollocks’ pretty much sums up Padfoot’s approach to life. This debut record was the Sex Pistols’ one and only studio album. Just like Never Mind the Bollocks, Sirius is one of a kind – bold, loud, unapologetic, and unmistakably British. About the same time Sirius turned eighteen, the manager of Virgin Records in Nottingham, was arrested for displaying the offending album with the word ‘bollocks’ on it in his store window. The obscenity case was successfully defended when the QC (hired by Richard Branson) argued police discrimination. Why? Because newspapers had clearly stated the title of the album in their articles, and none of them had been charged. In other words, the whole case was bollocks.


	4. Flea Bathing

Grimmauld Place. What a shithole.

Sirius stared at the grotty bathroom ceiling and let out a sigh. The bath water sloshed around him as he lay in the warmth. The stupid house was only slightly better than the cave at Hogsmeade. Kreacher, the little twerp, had let the place fall into ruin. Not that he really cared. He would hate the place if it were immaculate.

Growing up here had been nothing short of hell.

Having pure-blood supremacist parents and a sycophantic little brother had been little better than Azkaban. In fact, when the dementors did their work, Grimmauld Place sometimes loomed up out of the dark. Now he was stuck here again.

Padfoot despised the place with a passion. His parent’s hate-filled ignorance and stupidity made life unbearable. As a small boy, he questioned them at his own peril. But he learned enough during his childhood to know he was different.

That he _wanted to be_ _different._

Playing with Muggle children in the park. Hiding Muggle comics under his bed. When his parents started sending him to Diagon Alley alone (because they couldn’t stand him anymore), he immediately used it as a chance to sneak around Muggle London. Museums, newsagents, cinemas, and sweet shops where nothing tried to bite you.

His father had tried to punish it out of him. His mother tried to shout it out of him. Regulus, the smug little bastard, used to watch and smirk. By the time he was old enough to escape to the sanctity of Hogwarts, he was determined to be as opposite to his family as possible.

Another sigh escaped him as he remembered the castle.

The first place he felt genuinely welcomed. His first happy home. In one way, it was worth being stuck here to be able to see Remus again. His last remaining friend from those glorious days at Hogwarts. Well, not totally glorious. Snivellus was always an asshole, and a current irritation he could fucking live without. Peter turned out to be a wretched piece of shit too.

Worse, James and Lily were now gone forever.

James and his obsession with Lily Evans! Sirius grinned. Prongs had never held back his feelings, but it was always clear those two idiots were made for each other. An easy win. Peter had never stood a chance with the girls, and Moony was always terrible with women. Still was!

Andromeda’s daughter was clearly smitten with Remus, but it was almost like the guy couldn’t see it. If anyone could be trusted, it was the offspring of his rebellious, Muggle-loving cousin. Tonks was very much like her mother in many ways – accepting and kind. She was good with a wand, flew well, and wasn’t a bad sort for a witch.

Padfoot had been much like Andromeda, who had been burned from his mother’s tapestry for marrying Ted. He had never fancied the young witches who practically threw themselves at him at school. He’d always had a thing for Muggle girls. The forbidden fruit. The posters in his room used to drive his mother crazy. He let out a bark-like laugh, and the surface of the bathwater wobbled in response. The old hag had screeched at length about it.

She had been livid when he chose to do Muggle Studies, but Sirius had been fascinated by it. He was drawn to it, just as much as he was drawn to the magical world. Particularly the Muggle’s dangerous modes of transport. Especially motorbikes. For a moment he wondered if Hagrid still had his old bike. He’d have to ask him about it when he got back from Europe.

God, he missed that bike. He missed his old place too.

Padfoot thought with longing about his _real home_. The one he had paid for with Uncle Alphard’s inheritance when he was seventeen. His mother would have hated it. He had loved it. Life with the Potters had been good, Hogwarts had been great, but _total adult freedom was divine_. Those years were some of the best of his life.

Late nights playing cards and drinking with the boys. Lazy mornings waking up next to pretty Muggle women he had picked up at the local pub. Quiet dinners with James and Lily. Loud music with absolutely no one around. Bike engine parts strewn across the table. Posters on the walls.

Not to mention the occasional ‘quiet social gathering’. Padfoot laughed. His seventh-year house parties had been legendary at Hogwarts. And then there was Prongs’ stag night! It had spiralled out of control in the best possible way…

Even when the wizarding war peaked and his friends went into hiding, he had never been happier in a home. It was a haven. An escape from the danger. He had privacy. Space. Freedom. He paid his bills, cleaned up, and maintained the place. Sirius had looked after himself. Sure, he was a full member of the Order back then, and a wanted vigilante at the time. But he was also, for once in his life, proud of the place he called home.

Now he was trapped again.

Back in this decrepit, evil, filthy, old house! After twelve years in that cesspit, Azkaban! After starving on the run and living off bloody rats! Nearly his entire adult life wasted, and now he was still locked up! He could have done _more_. He _should_ have done more. _He still should be doing more._ A fact Snivellus kept shoving in his face.

Sirius may be a dog, but Snape was Dumbledore’s _pet._

Dumbledore. Sirius scowled darkly at a patch of mould which spotted the corner of the ceiling. Did Albus really think he had survived everything he had been through, just to sit idly by and watch his remaining time slip away? Yes, he was a risk taker, but he accepted those risks knowing full well what they meant. He was also fighter and he need to live his life. He needed to make up for lost time.

And he was _loyal_ , unlike that smug, greasy, hook-nosed, child-bullying…

The only consolation was that Harry would be arriving tonight. Padfoot’s scowl turned into a smirk, as he thought about Dumbledore dealing with the Ministry over the dementor incident. From what he could tell, his godson had risen to the occasion magnificently.

Remus had always been amazed at the strength it must have taken for Harry to fend off dementors, considering his past. Particularly in the numbers they had faced by the black lake. But Harry was smarter and tougher than anyone gave him credit for.

Padfoot understood the maturity required for a kid that age to bring themselves up right, especially in the face of some very unfavourable odds. His godson had been through hardships and trials that other teens his age only saw in their worst nightmares. He had taken on more than half the Order – hell, Harry had _faced_ Voldemort more than once! And yet, Albus insisted on not telling Harry anything, and the rest of the Order (like idiots) obliged.

If Harry was like his father (and based on his past behaviour at school, he was) he would see the lack of information as an insult. Sirius also knew the kid was likely to do something rash to uncover the truth if someone didn’t clue him in soon.

As far as Sirius was concerned, Harry had earned the right to a few truths, and he could handle it. More than that, Harry was family. Padfoot couldn’t have wished for a better godson. It would be great to see the kid again, and he’d be able to – much to everyone’s annoyance – finally tell Harry what he needed to hear.

The smirk remained on his face, as the last remaining member of the Black family finally rose from the tub.


	5. The Real House of Black

_You're not the easiest person that I ever got to know, and it's hard for us both to let our feelings show. Some would say I should let you go your way - you'll only make me cry._

_But if there's one guy (just one guy) who'd lay down his life for you and die…_  
_It's hard to say it…_  
I hate to say it…

_But it's probably me._

_-_ _It’s Probably Me_

_(Sting - Ten Summoner’s Tales, 1993)_

***

At age 16, the wizarding war is already in progress. Sirius runs away from home and stays with the Potters at the holidays. Sirius tells Harry about it:

“‘I used to be there,’ said Sirius, pointing at a small, round, charred hole in the tapestry, rather like a cigarette burn. ‘My sweet old mother blasted me off **after I ran away from home** — Kreacher’s quite fond of muttering the story under his breath.’

‘You ran away from home?’

**‘When I was about sixteen,’ said Sirius. ‘I’d had enough.’**

‘Where did you go?’ asked Harry, staring at him.

 **‘Your dad’s place,** ’ said Sirius. ‘Your grandparents were really good about it; they sort of adopted me as a second son. **Yeah, I camped out at your dad’s during the school holidays, and then when I was seventeen I got a place of my own** , my Uncle Alphard had left me a decent bit of gold — he’s been wiped off here too, that’s probably why — anyway, after that I looked after myself. I was always welcome at Mr. and Mrs. Potter’s for Sunday lunch, though.’

Kreacher also tells us about that time:

‘Master always liked his little joke,’ said Kreacher, bowing again, and continuing in an undertone, ‘Master was a **nasty ungrateful swine** who **broke his mother’s heart** —’

“Master Sirius **ran away** , good riddance, for he was a bad boy and **broke my mistress’s heart** with his lawless ways **.** ”

He wasn’t kicked out. He ran away. Broke his mother’s heart? Curious choice of words… It’s also interesting that his parents never disturbed his room. I know the sticking charm kept the posters up, but they never chucked out any of his possessions or furniture.

“‘My mother didn’t have a heart, Kreacher,’ Sirius snapped. ‘She kept herself alive out of pure spite.’”

Sirius’ relationship with his mother seems complicated:

“‘Hasn’t anyone told you? This was my parents’ house,’ said Sirius. ‘ **But I’m the last Black left, so it’s mine now**. I offered it to Dumbledore for headquarters — about the only useful thing I’ve been able to do.’”

Sirius’ mother, who outlived both her husband and her youngest son, could have made a will leaving the house to Bellatrix or Narcissa. Sirius did it – left the house to Harry, who wasn’t even a member of the Black family. But for some reason, Mrs Black left the house to her trouble-making eldest.

At age 17, he moves into his own place. Sirius comes of age at the start of his sixth year at Hogwarts, November 1976. In September 1977, almost a year later, Sirius starts his last year at Hogwarts and shortly after turns 18. We can therefore assume he probably paid for his own place and his motorbike before starting seventh year, _probably while he was still in his sixth year_ :

“When I was seventeen, **I got a place of my own… after that I looked after myself**.”

So, we can assume that during Sirius’ final year at school, he spent his all holidays at his own place.

JKR said the incident with James and the Muggle policemen happened in 1977, so he would have bought his bike around the same time as moving out of the Potter’s.

The Marauder’s birth dates are:

  * Sirius – 3 November 1959
  * Lily – 30 Jan 1960
  * Remus – 10 March 1960
  * James - 27 March 1960
  * Peter – 9 September 1960



This means Sirius was the oldest in the group, and I have little doubt he was the first to live on his own:

“Master Sirius ran away, good riddance, for he was a **bad boy** and broke my mistress’s heart **with his lawless ways.** ”

I can only imagine what a party at Padfoot’s place during the late 70’s looked like.

Unlike Grimmauld Place (which was terrible), Hogwarts (his school), and the Potter’s (still a guest under a parental roof), his own place would have the first time he was truly free to be himself without consequence or discipline.

When we first see the portrait of Sirius’ mother she is yelling at Molly and Remus:

“Lupin and Mrs Weasley darted forward and tried to tug the curtains shut over the old woman, but they would not close and she screeched louder than ever, brandishing clawed hands as though trying to tear at their faces. ‘Filth! Scum! By-products of dirt and vileness! Half-breeds, mutants, freaks, begone from this place! How dare you befoul the house of my fathers —’”

But she reacts very distinctly to the appearance of her eldest son:

“ **The old woman’s face blanched**. ‘Yoooou!’ she howled, **her eyes popping** at the sight of the man. ‘ **Blood traitor, abomination, shame upon my flesh!** ’”

“Blood traitor”. A term used to describe pure-bloods who associate with Muggles and Muggle-borns. On its own it seems innocuous. But paired with “abomination” (a word used in the bible to condemn sexual acts) and “shame upon my flesh” (also very evocative of biblical condemnation)? Perhaps, the force of the reaction is due to Sirius being her son, and the general shame on the family line. But could it be something slightly more literal? Was JKR’s word choice (and we know she goes in for bible references) a hint that Mrs Black is referring to her son’s sex life?

The description of Sirius’ room at Grimmauld Place containing several posters of Muggle girls in bikinis. The fact he ignores witches at school who show interest in him, and he had the potential to be a self-hating pure blood. His favourite older cousin Andromeda Black, who married a Muggle-born, was no doubt an influence on him.

I’m speculating wildly, but I think Sirius might have had a ‘thing’ for Muggle girls.

The Death Eaters show the kind of contempt pure-bloods can show towards Muggle-lovers. Voldemort tells Bellatrix to get rid of Tonks:

“’ **Many of our oldest family trees become a little diseased over time** ,’ he said as Bellatrix gazed at him, breathless and imploring. ‘You must prune yours, must you not, to keep it healthy? **Cut away those parts that threaten the health of the rest.** ’”

Tonks posed a threat to the purity of the line. Sirius would have been in a similar boat, if his mother thought he was off tainting the Black line with Muggle blood. Sirius was handsome, clearly popular with women, and had his own place by the time he turned 18 in his seventh year. Old enough to hit Muggle pubs in the UK. I’m sure he did well for himself…

And if his mother found out, she’d be _furious._

Padfoot’s home would have been more than a party place. It would have been a haven from danger.

As the Marauders transitioned out of Hogwarts, they fought for the Order of the Phoenix. The war was raging. People were dying and things were getting worse.

Moody lists off members of the old Order of the Phoenix, when he shows Harry a photograph of them at Ron and Hermione’s prefect party:

  1. Alastor Moody – alive
  2. Albus Dumbledore - alive
  3. Dedalus Diggle - alive
  4. Marlene McKinnon – dead (and family)
  5. Frank Longbottom – alive, but insane
  6. Alice Longbottom – alive, but insane
  7. Emmaline Vance – alive
  8. Remus Lupin - alive
  9. Benjy Fenwick – dead
  10. Edgar Bones – dead (and family)
  11. Sturgis Podmore - alive
  12. Caradoc Dearborn – dead
  13. Rubeus Hagrid - alive
  14. Elphias Doge - alive
  15. Gideon Prewett - dead
  16. Fabian Prewett - dead
  17. Aberforth Dumbledore - alive
  18. Dorcas Meadowes – dead
  19. Sirius – alive
  20. Peter Pettigrew – alive, but a dirty traitor
  21. James Potter - dead
  22. Lily Potter - dead



So out of 22 members, only 10 remain. 9 died (and of those, 2 lost their entire family), 2 were tortured to insanity, and 1 turned out to be a stinking spy. Not favourable odds.

The Order members keep drilling into the young students a critical message – the wizarding war is no joke. Sirius puts Fred in his place when Arthur is rushed to hospital:

“‘Your father knew what he was getting into, and he won’t thank you for messing things up for the Order!’ said Sirius angrily in his turn. ‘ **This is how it is** — this is why you’re not in the Order — you don’t understand — **there are things worth dying for**!’”

It was a time of turmoil – good and bad. His father and brother both died in 1979. Lily and James got married and moved into Godric’s Hollow. Harry was born.

Hagrid says to Harry that Sirius would have wanted to die fighting. Black was clearly brave, and unafraid of death. As a skilled wizard, I am sure he was an asset to the Order. He never had another career, so his free adult years were spent solely as a fighter.

Sirius dedicated his life to the Order and was willing to die to protect those he loved:

“’Lily and James only made you Secret-Keeper because I suggested it.’ Black hissed, so venomously that Pettigrew took a step backward. ‘ **I thought it was the perfect plan**... a bluff... **Voldemort would be sure to come after me…’** ”

_The man planned to have Voldemort come after him._

Prepared to die to protect Harry. To protect the wizarding world from destruction. Sirius took his job… seriously:

“We were so sorry you couldn’t come, but **the Order’s got to come first** and Harry’s not old enough to know it’s his birthday anyway!”

He missed his godson’s first birthday for the Order. James’ son. The kid he loved most in the world. Missed Harry’s _first fucking birthday_. And Sirius saw himself as a Potter, because he didn’t consider anyone in the House of Black to be his family.

Except his favourite cousin, Andromeda.

Tonks would have been a kid when Sirius was fighting with the Order in the first war. She would have been around 5 years old when Sirius left school, and around 9 when he went to jail. But Sirius didn’t meet Tonks until she was an adult.

Sirius, as a keen correspondent, may have written, but he clearly didn’t visit. It’s possible that his association with the Order would have brought too much heat on Andromeda at a time when she was protecting a young daughter and a Muggle-born husband.

I always wondered how it was that Andromeda and Ted Tonks became so deeply involved with the Order of the Phoenix. Using your home to protect Harry Potter is a big commitment. And how did Nymphadora become involved so quickly, when the Order had to be careful about who they revealed themselves to at the Ministry?

Alastor Moody was her mentor, and no doubt trusted her, but it’s possible Sirius could have vouched for the Tonks family being good people.

I can’t help but think that any distance between Sirius and Andromeda would change once Tonks joined Dumbledore’s finest. Tonks would no doubt tell her parents she had been speaking to Sirius, and now that his name was cleared with the right people, Andromeda had to be curious about how he was doing. Padfoot would have made enquiries with the young Auror as to how her mum and dad were fairing. I’m dying to know if Sirius ever got to see his cousin after Azkaban.

I also think he’d be secretly hoping Moony might hook up with Tonks, giving him one more member of the Black family he could love.

Poor Remus. Poor Sirius. Padfoot had to live out his final year as a free man mistrusting Lupin.

Black appeared to be short with Peter during Snape’s worst memory. Told James to put the snitch away before Wormtail wet himself. James taunts Peter about not being able to answer his OWL DADA question about recognising a werewolf. Even McGonagall said she was short with Peter. Peter wasn’t Mr Popular.

Sirius probably preferred Remus as a friend, so believing him to be the spy can’t have been easy. After all, he’d become an illegal Animagus for this guy. Covered up the fact he was a werewolf. But I guess he mistrusted Remus because Remus was _clever_. Capable.

I suspect part of what really goaded Sirius about being framed for the murdering the Potters, was the fact that Peter Pettigrew had _outsmarted him_ and gotten away with it. He calls Peter “weak” and “talentless”, citing Wormtail as the “perfect bluff”.

Sirius mistrusted Remus, but only because he respected him.

The mistrust went both ways, and Moony suspected Padfoot as Voldemort’s spy. But some small part of Remus must have had faith in Sirius. Lupin saw Peter on the Marauder’s Map, and was willing to forgive Sirius without further thought, coming to the right conclusion about the Secret Keeper switch without any prompting whatsoever:

“‘But then ...,’ Lupin muttered, staring at Black so intently it seemed he was trying to read his mind, ‘... why hasn’t he shown himself before now? Unless -’ Lupin’s eyes suddenly widened, as though he was seeing something beyond Black, something none of the rest could see, ‘— unless he was the one ... unless you switched ... without telling me?’”

Did this contribute to his hesitation to tell Dumbledore that Sirius was an Animagus?

Still, even if Moony didn’t trust him, Sirius had James and Lily. The fact Lily was writing to Sirius directly shows that their relationship was close, and Padfoot wasn’t just close to Prongs. After all, what wife writes to her husband’s trouble-making best friend and implores him to visit while they’re supposed to be laying low?

I wonder what the relationship was like between James and Sirius after they left school?

Characters in the Potter Saga often refer to Potter and Black in terms of similarity. They were both a pair of troublemakers. Like brothers. Inseparable. Ring leaders of their little gang. Brave and skilled fighters. Both were smart and popular. But we know from their upbringing that they were also different. It seems that the similarities are on a level we can call ‘professional and social’, where their differences are on a ‘personal and family level’. It put me in mind of the relationship Martin Riggs has with Roger Murtagh in the _Lethal Weapon_ movies.

Both are capable, smart, risk-taking cops. Both tend to blow stuff up a lot, and almost get themselves killed on a regular basis. Both are damned good, and legends at the station. But in their personal lives, they couldn’t be more different. Riggs starts off as a suicidal, alcoholic loner, and Murtagh is a contented family man. But a better pair of loyal working partners (who consider each other family) you couldn’t find.

It struck me that Sirius may have had a similar situation, and the Potters could have been as much of a source of envy (and a reminder of his loner status) as they were his own family. As students and fighters for the Order, James and Sirius were similar. But James was a family man from a stable background, and Sirius was a troubled loner.

Much like Riggs walks into the Murtagh house without invitation, I could just imagine Sirius strolling into the house at Godric’s Hollow. Helping himself to food, and kissing Lily good morning in the kitchen. Reeking of stale beer, and a smell that reminds Lily suspiciously of Mundungus. Making far too much noise, chatting happily, and sitting on Lily’s clean bench tops. Scratching the cat and yelling upstairs at James to move his ass and get ready, because they were late for duty.

Different, but always family. He must have missed them.

Padfoot goes through the shock of seeing their bodies. He knows he will be suspected and gives Hagrid his bike. He lets Harry go because he knows he is doomed, and he trusts Dumbledore with his godson’s fate, even though he knows Dumbledore will soon not trust him in return.

After the terrible events which forged The Chosen One, Padfoot was abandoned by everyone. Not even Dumbledore knew about the Secret Keeper switch.

Despite his dedication to the fight. Despite the fact he had risked everything for the cause. Despite the fact he had always hated dark wizards. Despite the fact the man they accused him of betraying was his brother. Without so much as a trial under Veritaserum to determine the truth.

Twelve. Long. Years. In. Azkaban.

Thanks for your service.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s Probably Me (Sting - Ten Summoner’s Tales, 1993)
> 
> It’s a little weird that there were ten remaining members of the original Order of the Phoenix, and this song comes from an album about ‘ten summoners’. But I didn’t pick it for that. 1993 was the year Sirius escaped from Azkaban, but I didn’t really choose this title because of when it was released. Or Sting. To be honest, I’ve never listened to the album. 
> 
> I know this song from Lethal Weapon 3, and that association with Sirius should be reasonably clear (since I compared Black and Potter to Riggs and Murtagh). What I love about Lethal Weapon 3 (apart from the fact Riggs makes friends with a big black dog, after developing a taste for dog biscuits himself) is the fact they blew up a building. I don’t mean special effects; they really imploded a building. It was the old city hall in Orlando, which was scheduled to be demolished. However, they only had one chance to get that shot in the can. There are no re-shoots, and there is no resetting the stage. Film it or be damned. That’s some next level chaos, and dedication to the craft. I’m sure Padfoot would be proud.


	6. Moony’s Place

Sirius lay on the couch at Moony’s, gazing into the dying embers of the fire.

It was now his third night at Lupin’s. The weather was warm, but Sirius had explained how he hated the cold, and Remus (being a gracious host) had consented to light the fire every night. It was more of a psychological comfort than anything else, but it helped him sleep.

Dumbledore had given him the order to lay low here, after Harry came out of the maze and survived the graveyard. Remus’ flat was small. Only one bedroom. But it was cosy, safe, and had a functioning shower. The couch was delightful compared to the bloody cave floor he’d been sleeping on.

The first two days had been busy getting set up for life in hiding, and for what was to come in the war with Voldemort. And bathing. And eating… He had some weight to put back on. Moony had helped him get a new wand from Ollivander’s, get gold out of Gringotts, and they had stocked the place with enough supplies to last them quite a while. They had food, firewhiskey, and a stack of magazines and newspapers (both wizarding and Muggle) so Sirius could spend some time catching up on a world that had moved on without him.

He was happy to pay for it. He owed Lupin. Hell, Moony had even promised not to tell Albus he had snuck off today. Padfoot had to visit a local Muggle adult establishment. He felt bad about it, but it was worth lying to Dumbledore just this once, and he appreciated Remus’ quiet discretion on the matter. He’d been in jail and on the run for an exceedingly long time…

Besides, he could handle himself now he had a wand again. No sweat.

Padfoot smirked and let out a contented yawn. The alcohol in his system seemed to be glowing. With everything set, and the old crowd back with the Order, there was nothing left to do in the way of work. All they could do was amuse themselves while they waited for Dumbledore to contact them. Tonight, they had cracked open the firewhiskey, and had talked about everything.

Happily discussing all the things Sirius was keen to get back to when his name was cleared. He felt certain the Order would eventually catch up with Pettigrew, and he had some long-overdue things to indulge freely in. Including (but not limited to) live music, motorbikes, tap beer, sex, cinemas, and restaurant quality steaks.

And clothes! What a relief it was to be out of those stupid prison rags.

Padfoot had almost fallen over with laughter when Remus, in an act of apologetic (and rather drunken) solidarity, had attempted to burn the tattered robes in his fireplace tonight. Of course, bits of burning material were soon flying everywhere, Moony started panicking, and both had to put some quick spell work into action to stop the place going up in flames. No mean feat while they were plastered, cackling like idiots, and Sirius was still getting used to his new wand.

He knew Remus had felt guilty for doubting him, but they were both in the same boat. Sirius was over it. It was simply great to have his mate back. Harry was at the Dursley’s under the protection of Dumbledore’s blood charm, and Padfoot now had few days to relax.

They had talked about James tonight. A lot.

He had cried a lot. Lupin had kept it all these years. His box of personal items. Before Sirius was supposed to be made Secret Keeper for James, Sirius had given it to Lupin, assuming Voldemort would do the worst to him. Despite him believing Remus to be a spy, he trusted Moony with his possessions. Despite Remus believing him to be a murderer, he had kept them, untouched all these years.

Lupin had not told Albus that Padfoot was an Animagus either. Somewhere deep down, he knew his brother had never totally lost faith in him.

_Remus had kept the box._

Nothing Voldemort could use. Nothing to do with the Order. Just personal documents. His bank key. A copy of his birth certificate, proving his claim to Grimmauld Place. The paperwork for his bike! A few photos and letters…

Letters from Lily. They had both cried.

The photo of Harry on the toy broomstick Padfoot had given to his godson for his first birthday. Sirius wished he could have been there.

Flicking through Moony’s old photo album had been terrific too.

Hogwarts. The Order. James and Lily’s wedding. And so many photos of Harry as a baby! He had forgotten how doting Remus had been (the only person worse than Remus had been Sirius himself). Always getting drunk and showing strangers at the pub photos of the kid, Moony had carried pictures of Harry everywhere.

He knew Remus had always loved kids. Due to his ‘furry little problem’ Moony feared he couldn’t have his own. It was great that Dumbledore had given him a shot at DADA. Snivellus, the great fuckwit, had ruined it for Lupin, but he’d at least had one good year thanks to Albus.

Dumbledore. There’s another man he owed greatly. Padfoot let out a yawn and stretched, thinking about the man who trusted him.

_The man who saved him._

Sirius had pleaded with Dumbledore the night of the fiasco at Hogwarts to hear him out. Believing the possibility of his innocence almost immediately, Dumbledore helped him escape. Without Albus, he’d be dead, or worse.

He had kept in constant correspondence. Always encouraging and kind, even when he was being an overbearing ass. Padfoot smiled. He was a man motivated by love and good intentions, even if his actions did come off spectacularly badly sometimes. Albus had been like that in the days of the old Order.

Those were some rough years.

They were outnumbered. Voldemort was picking them off, and they always seemed to be on the backfoot. Death stalked them continually, but every member of the Order of the Phoenix fought in the knowledge of the dangers they faced.

They had all put up a spectacular fight. The men and women who had served as Dumbledore’s soldiers during the wizarding community’s darkest hour, were some of the bravest souls to ever raise a wand. They were heroes. Heroes staunchly fighting impossible odds.

If it wasn’t for little Harry, Voldemort would have won. He smirked as he thought of the irony, that this time they were _ahead of the game_ because of Harry.

That kid was a real fighter. Just like his father and godfather.

Fighting alongside James had been some of the best times of his life, even during the worst times. With the Order in good position, Sirius was keen to see some action again. He knew Dumbledore was worried about his safety, but Albus also knew Black was one of his best and couldn’t keep him sidelined forever. And there was no question that standing up to Voldemort was all that counted when so many innocent lives were at stake. The Order demanded so much. The price was astronomical. But what other choice is there in the face of such a threat?

Shit! Should he tell Dumbledore about Grimmauld Place?

It was in their best interest to have the most secure hideout possible, and Grimmauld Place fitted the bill perfectly. It was safe, and close to the Ministry. His father had made it virtually impossible to find. It was big enough, and in a busy enough part of London that no one would notice the additional foot traffic. It was also the last place anyone would expect _him_ to be. As much as he hated the idea of being there again, there weren’t many other options.

Lily had always said ‘the Order comes first’…

His train of thought was rudely interrupted by one of Remus’ bear-like snores shaking its way through the bedroom door. Padfoot barked out an audible laugh and rolled over on the couch to get more comfortable. His dearest friend, Moony. Harry, his godson. Lily was right.

Sirius was resolved in the minutes before he drifted off into a drunk, warm, and very contented sleep.

He’d offer Grimmauld Place to Dumbledore.


	7. Azkaban

_Now the world is gone, I'm just one. Oh God, help me.  
Hold my breath as I wish for death. Oh please, God, help me!_

_Darkness imprisoning me!  
All that I see - absolute horror!  
I cannot live! I cannot die!  
Trapped in myself!  
Body my holding cell!_

_-_ _One_

_(Metallica – And Justice for All, 1988)_

***

JKR said Sirius was reckless, embittered and slightly unbalanced from his stint in Azkaban. She also said that he is slightly immature due to the fact he was locked up in his early twenties. However, I think considering what’s he’s been through, he’s remarkably stable. When you examine what twelve years in Azkaban must really be like, I’m surprised Sirius isn’t totally off his rocker.

Fudge mentions Black was the most highly guarded prisoner, and dementors were outside his cell night and day. The gnawing, consistent cold the dementors produce would have bitten Sirius worse than anyone. Harry describes the cold in Prisoner of Azkaban:

“ **An intense cold swept over them all.** Harry felt his own breath catch in his chest. The cold went deeper than his skin. It was inside his chest, it was inside his very heart…”

We again get Harry’s description in Order of The Phoenix:

“Dudley gave an odd shuddering gasp, **as though he had been doused in icy water**.”

“The balmy evening was suddenly **piercingly, bitingly cold**.”

“ **The cold was so intense** he was shivering all over; goose bumps had erupted on his arms and the hairs on the back of his neck were standing up.”

The stress of the never-ending hypothermia would have been brutal on Black’s body. A form of mental torture, as well as an enormous biological burden. Dressed in nothing more than ragged prison robes, it would have been hell.

There were other physical stresses too. Harry describes the darkness he was plunged into:

“The star-strewn indigo sky was suddenly **pitch black and lightless** – the stars, the moon, the misty streetlamps at either end of alley had vanished.”

Creepy.

I doubt prisoner hygiene was on the top of the Ministry’s list of concerns either. Sirius had filthy robes and revolting, matted hair. We also know Sirius was thin. Thin enough to slip through the bars. Probably malnourished. When Sirius smiles for the first time, Harry says the younger man smiled through a ‘starved mask’. Don’t forget, Sirius didn’t get this way on the run – he looked like that in Azkaban. Stan Shunpike shows Harry a photo in the Daily Prophet:

“Harry looked into the shadowed eyes of Sirius Black, the only part of the sunken face that seemed alive. Harry had never met a vampire, but he had seen pictures of them in his Defence Against the Dark Arts classes, and Black, with his waxy white skin, looked just like one.”

But the physical torture isn’t the worst Azkaban has to offer:

“They all went quite in the end… **except when they shrieked in their sleep** …”

“ **Most go mad in there, and plenty stop eating in the end.** **They lose the will to live**.”

I imagine Sirius spent a lot of time reliving the wreckage at Godric’s Hollow. He saw their bodies. Stuck _alone_.

The United Nations (UN) have ruled that solitary confinement which lasts for more than 15 days is considered _torture_.

Intense anxiety, and complications from severe sensory deprivation (such as hallucinations) are common. Inmates in solitary confinement are 3 times more likely to self-harm. The methods are so gruesome, they make Avada Kedavra look delightful in comparison.

Hagrid’s arrest in Chamber of Secrets happened after Lockhart’s Valentine’s Day (February 14) and he was released at the end of the same school year (Mid-July in the UK). This was approximately 5 months, or around 150 days. That’s 10 times longer than the UN’s limit on solitary confinement:

“Yeh can’ really remember who yeh are after a while. An’ yeh can’ see the point o’ livin’ at all. **I used ter hope I’d jus’ die in me sleep** …”

Please allow that to sink in for a moment. Rubeus Hagrid was in Azkaban for 5 months and lost the will to live. _He hoped he’d die in his sleep._

Sirius was incarcerated for around 11 years and 7 months. That’s 4,230 days, or around 282 times the UN’s limit.

Yet Sirius was calm. He wasn’t going insane, and he didn’t lose the will to live. Fudge calls him _normal_. Asked for Fudge’s newspaper, saying he missed doing the crossword. When everyone else around him was starving themselves to death and losing touch with reality.

Not only that but he swam to shore, in terrible physical condition, as a dog:

**“The fortress is set on a tiny island, way out to sea…”**

I wonder how far he had to swim. How did he even have the strength to escape in the first place? Hermione asks Sirius in Prisoner of Azkaban, and he thinks about it for a bit before responding:

“ **I don’t know how I did it… I think the only reason I never lost my mind is I knew I was innocent…** That wasn’t a happy thought… but it kept me sane knowing who I am…”

A plausible theory from a very smart wizard. But Sirius might be wrong. A clue that innocence has nothing to do with Sirius’ escape is Hagrid - because Hagrid knew he was innocent too. The gamekeeper knew he didn’t open the Chamber of Secrets, and yet Hagrid, within 5 months, had already started to give up. Started to forget who he was.

Innocence didn’t protect Hagrid from the effects of the dementors. In fact, Hagrid, and Dumbledore both point out that dementors care little for innocence, warning us all of the dangers of crossing them.

Harry was also innocent. Although he never got locked in Azkaban with them, Harry didn’t do anything wrong on the Hogwarts Express, or at the Quidditch match. Yet he was attacked and passed out from the strain.

We know by his own admission that Sirius transformed into a dog when it became too much for him. This no doubt provided some protection, but Remus says the dementors are supposed to drain a wizard of their powers. It would have been difficult, and not something he could do all the time.

So how did Sirius survive?

**“That wasn’t a happy thought…”**

There are critical components to what is probably Sirius’ _worst memory_ which I’d like to explore. That would have been the one he relived the most. The components of the night James and Lily died.

First, revenge.

After years of re-living the horrors of James and Lily’s death, Sirius was determined to kill Peter Pettigrew. We have proof that this collection of unhappy thoughts and feelings helped Sirius retain his sanity. He describes seeing Peter in the newspaper:

“ **It was if someone had lit a fire in my head…** it wasn’t a happy feeling… it was an obsession… **but it gave me strength, it cleared my mind**.”

Revenge is not a happy thought. Knowing Peter was alive somewhere may have been the reason Sirius kept his marbles. He’d been thinking about _killing_ Peter for a long time. Since the day James and Lily died:

“‘Peter Pettigrew’s dead!’ said Harry. ‘He killed him twelve years ago!’ He pointed at Black, **whose face twitched convulsively.**

‘ **I meant to** ,’ he growled, his yellow teeth bared, ‘but little Peter got the better of me ... not this time, though!’”

He missed his first chance, and had to wait:

“ **I’ve waited twelve years.** I’m not going to wait much longer.”

“‘No,’ he hissed, ‘ **I’ve waited too long** -’”

Hatred like that is powerful. And it wasn’t just about James and Lily. Or what had been stolen from Harry. Or the fact that in selling out the Potters, Peter nearly gave Voldemort absolute power. Peter was the reason Sirius _suffered_. Sirius wasn’t just wrongfully accused. Wormtail was the piece of filth who deliberately _framed him_ :

**“I want to commit the murder I was imprisoned for…”**

That was Padfoot’s plan, and he had to be _persuaded not to do it_. If it weren’t for Harry, Peter would have died that night:

“‘There’ll be only one murder here tonight,’ said Black, and **his grin widened**.”

He wanted blood. Black’s _attitude_ towards the injustice, rather than the knowledge of it, kept him sane. Hagrid was innocent. Wrongfully accused. But Padfoot was _betrayed,_ and he was not the kind of man to take such an insult lying down.

Cross Sirius, and he takes it personally:

“Sirius’ face darkened. **He suddenly looked as menacing as the night when Harry first met him, the night when Harry had still believed Sirius to be a murderer**.

‘Oh, I know Crouch all right,’ he said quietly. ‘He was the one who gave the order for me to be sent to Azkaban – without trial.’”

Sirius doesn’t forgive easily, either:

“… ‘It’s a matter of time before Voldemort moves into the open; once he does, the whole Ministry’s going to be begging us to forgive them **. And I’m not sure I’ll be accepting their apology,’ he added bitterly.** ”

Revenge helped… but… Bloodlust isn’t _it_. That _can’t be_ all there was too it, or no doubt Bellatrix would have been out of the slammer quicker than blinking. Your final clue, dear readers, that there is one more contributing factor in Padfoot’s escape…

He came out of Azkaban with a good heart. Sane. Still full of hope that he can make a difference. Wanting to protect Harry. Wanting to fight for what is right. Dumbledore would call it the greatest power there is – _love_.

“ **It was if someone had lit a fire in my head…** it wasn’t a happy feeling… **it was an obsession…** **but it gave me strength, it cleared my mind**.”

He’s at Hogwarts… A need to protect Harry. Love also cleared his mind.

This is what I see as the hidden reason for Sirius surviving Azkaban. For being so whole. For remembering who he was. Love. Love and grief.

Every time he thought about what happened at Godric’s Hollow, that love for James and Lily would have also helped him through. Grief is far from a happy thought. Reliving that night over and over meant that Sirius continued to mourn for twelve long years.

But grieving is still an act of love, and _love is powerful_.

In the Potter Saga we see instances where love, even in the form of grief, provides protection from the reaches of dark magic. Love enhances and strengthens magic. Lack of love, on the other hand, will sap you of your magical powers:

  * Lily’s sacrifice for Harry protecting him at every turn
  * Voldemort being unable to possess Harry’s body because of Harry’s soul
  * Why is Harry’s Patronus (Prongs) so powerful? Is it his parent’s sacrifice? Or the fact he thinks of his friends when under pressure?
  * Grief for Sirius protecting Harry from Voldemort’s mind
  * Unrequited love sapping Tonks of her powers
  * Merope Gaunt’s unrequited love taking her powers
  * Love bringing Ron back to Hermione via the Deluminator
  * Grief for Dobby easing the influence of Voldemort on Harry’s mind as he buried the Free Elf



“Just as Voldemort had not been able to possess Harry while Harry was consumed with grief for Sirius, so his thoughts could not penetrate Harry now, while he mourned Dobby. **Grief, it seemed, drove Voldemort out … though Dumbledore, of course, would have said that it was love** …”

Love can _really hurt_. Not be a happy thought. It is a proven protection against dark magic. And the ones who love you never really leave you.

Love is why Sirius survived and _escaped_. The first person to ever do so.

So much like his godson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One (Metallica – And Justice for All, 1988)
> 
> One. And Justice for All. Released in 1988, right in the middle of Sirius’ Azkaban stint. Holy shit sticks – Metallica. I could ramble forever. The awesome foursome of heavy metal. And Justice for All was their first album after the tragic passing of the original bassist, Cliff Burton. To put this loss in perspective, it hit James, Lars and Kirk just about as hard as losing Sirius impacts Harry. They were devastated.
> 
> As a result, life for new bassist, Jason Newstead, wasn’t easy. Relationships were perpetually strained through many years of creative differences, band politics, substance abuse and relentless touring. Eventually Jason left just prior to the recording of St. Anger. Jason wanted to pursue a side project, but when the other band members rejected the idea, he quit.   
> Metallica is some kind of monster. A total commitment. An all-consuming, powerful entity. There are no side projects. Their lyrics, renown for addressing dark struggles with their own inner demons, draw in its dedicated fans as much the band draws in its members.
> 
> One was Metallica’s first music video, and was a huge hit, becoming an MTV favourite. But at the 1989 Grammy Awards, the song lost out to Jethro fucking Tull, in a stupid ‘best hard rock / metal or instrumental’ category. Eventually, the history of the bad-ass quartet (much like the Marauders in the Shrieking Shack) was set straight, and justice was served for And Justice for All. The record earned them a Grammy for ‘best metal album’ in 1990 - the category was newly formed that year…


	8. Into the Night

Thankfully, the weather was mild, because Buckbeak flew fast.

Sirius squinted against the wind as his thin, ragged prison robes flapped about him. He let out a joyful howling sound to the open sky. Finally, after a year on the run, he was genuinely free. His heart was free, because the people who mattered most to him knew the truth at long last.

Dumbledore. Remus. Harry.

The Shrieking Shack. It had been years. Sirius had stood with Remus once more, and Harry who looked so much like James. Facing Peter. Tonight, the history of the Marauders was set straight.

He wondered briefly if Harry knew his godfather existed before he started making the front page of the Daily Prophet. He wouldn’t have been entirely surprised if the Dursleys never talked about him at all, and that’s assuming Lily had told Petunia in the first place. Harry’s reaction to Padfoot’s suggestion to come and live with him was proof enough. Petunia and Vernon must be every bit as awful as Lily and James had described. The kid must have been through hell to detest his own family so much.

Sirius knew the feeling well.

Still, growing up in the Black house had been nothing compared to Azkaban. If there was a hell on earth, Azkaban was it. Twelve years, alone, with not even your happy memories to make life bearable. Not to mention it was _fucking freezing_. After spending an additional winter hiding in the Forbidden Forest, he swore to never see snow again.

But it had been worth it to protect James’ son…

For twelve long years he listened to his worst memories as the monsters tried to claim his mind. Kreacher sneering. His mother yelling. Pettigrew. Harry crying as a baby. The war. Dead members of the Order. Fear. Fighting. Godric’s Hollow. James and Lily dead.

Padfoot had survived. Using his illegal skill to maintain his sanity. Clinging desperately to his innocence. Needing revenge. Missing James and Lily every day. Escaping unassisted, after long years of mistreatment. Swimming that _ridiculously long_ stretch of sea as a dog (he had almost drowned twice). No one else had done it. Ever. 

Sirius knew it was narcissistic, but fortunately it was also true – he was a bloody brilliant wizard, and he was _smart._

He had every Auror looking for him and dementors at every turn. He was wandless. Starving. He was in the worst health of his life. Every night he woke up screaming. Repeatedly. Yet he was never caught, outside of the unfortunate slip up tonight. He traversed the country and got close enough to Harry to see him (the Ministry really should have been keeping a closer eye on the kid). He broke into Hogwarts while it was swarming with dementors, and with Dumbledore on guard. Lived in the forest dodging all manner of dangerous creatures. He got all the way into Gryffindor tower…

And tonight, he got his paws on Peter.

But then that greaseball Snape showed up. Everything went to hell from there. Remus would no doubt be fired, assuming he didn’t eat anyone on the school grounds and get sent to Azkaban himself. Pettigrew, the stinking little shit, got away again. Snape! That fucking slimy…

Sirius let out a sudden roar of anger, which caused Buckbeak to squawk in irritation.

Peter. Severus. What he wouldn’t give to kill them both right now. Sirius may have been sent to jail for murders he didn’t commit, but he was far from innocent. Padfoot was no angel before he went into prison. Far from making him weak-minded, twelve years of torture had hardened him, and realising Wormtail was alive had sparked a hell of a thirst for revenge.

If he’d already done the time, he may as well commit the crime.

He thought of Harry. Robbed of his childhood. Of his parents. He thought of the boy who looked so much like his father. A man he missed terribly to this day. In Harry’s eyes, he had glimpsed his mother. One of the sweetest people Sirius had ever met. Harry had stopped him killing Peter, but the boy was also the reason he was on the back of a Hippogriff right now (and not having his soul sucked out).

He barked out a laugh. Remus had been right. His godson had deserved a proper explanation.

His godson! Although he was still on the run, Sirius was already hopeful at the life he could start rebuilding. Freedom. Wonderful, beautiful freedom! The chance to live life! Take risks! Laugh! Love! He couldn’t care less how long it lasted if it was _good._

The first order of business would be to ensure Harry was OK. He supposed he should write to the kid sooner rather than later and explain a few things. The second order of business was to write to Remus. Maybe later he would try and find Pettigrew and get his name cleared. Or kill him. Sirius decided to leave that point undecided for the moment.

In the meantime, he had better look for a place to lay low for a while and enjoy his freedom. Now that Dumbledore was clued in, and Peter had disappeared, he could relax a little about Harry’s safety. He needed to look after himself right now.

For a man who used to be considered handsome in his youth, he looked terrible. He felt terrible. He needed food. A bath. To see the sun. Fix his teeth and cut his fucking hair. Above all, he needed warmth and rest. Where should he go? Somewhere dementors couldn’t reach, and the Ministry would never think to look. Somewhere secluded. Somewhere peaceful.

Somewhere _hot._


	9. Life on the Outside

_Don't remember where I was… I realized life was a game.  
The more seriously I took things, the harder the rules became.  
I had no idea what it'd cost. My life passed before my eyes.  
I found out how little I accomplished. All my plans denied._

_So, as you read this, know my friends, I'd love to stay with you all.  
Please smile when you think of me - my body's gone, that's all._

_“À tout le monde. À tous mes amis. Je vous aime. Je dois partir.”_

_These are the last words I'll ever speak, and they'll set me free._

_-_ _A Tout Le Monde_

_(Megadeth – Youthanasia, 1994)_

***

Once free of Azkaban, the first place Sirius goes is somewhere warm. He sends Harry letters at the beginning of Goblet of Fire with big tropical birds. By the time he speaks to Harry in the fireplace, he looks better. Cleaner. Healthier. He’s breaking into wizarding houses to speak to Harry, and is still on the run, but he’s in better shape.

But the time Sirius spends looking after himself is short. He only spends three months in the tropics before heading north again, and another eight months on the run in the UK before going to Hogsmeade.

It’s easy to miss because we don’t really care about Black as a character during most of Book 3, but Sirius spent two whole years on the run. Most of that is in ill health. After a year on the outside, he still looks terrible when he turns up at the Shrieking Shack. He’d been living in the Forbidden Forest. There’s also roughly two months in the Hogsmeade cave where he lives off rats. He loses weight and becomes unkempt again, until the night Harry ends up in the graveyard.

Being on the run, his contact with other people would have been largely confined to letters. We know he wrote to Harry and Dumbledore, but it’s also possible he wrote to Remus, as Lupin was the only other person who believed Sirius was innocent. Considering how close they had been, I can’t believe he _didn’t_ write to Remus. Since it is never discussed in the book, we don’t often think about the possibility that these two Marauders may have contacted each other during Harry’s fourth year.

I wonder if Sirius ever received one of Harry’s letters, and immediately wrote to Albus or Remus seeking his own advice? Godparenting advice.

Eventually, things change with Voldemort’s return.

Padfoot transforming in front of everyone in the hospital wing, reflects a new stage in Sirius’ life as a member of the reformed Order. He is no longer a criminal on the run and alone. He is about to settle down. Sure, he’s still in hiding, but living in a house beats living off rats.

At the end of Goblet of Fire, Dumbledore issues Sirius instructions to contact the ‘old crowd’. Mundungus, Mrs Figg and Remus. He tells Padfoot to:

“ **Lie low at Lupin’s for a while.** I will contact you there.”

Clearly there was a short period where Padfoot stayed with Moony. This is the first time, in a long time, we know for sure that Sirius lived in a house. I had never given this one small line much thought before, but it struck me how wonderful this would have been for Sirius.

There may have been some hard conversations to be had at first. The fact they had suspected each other as the spy when it was Peter all along. Mourning for James and Lily. What life was like in Azkaban. Lupin’s woes living as a werewolf.

But there would have been happy discussions too. I’m sure Sirius would have pumped Remus for information about Harry - after all, Remus had spent a year teaching him. Their own school days. Remus informing Sirius on what’s been happening in the wizarding world. Sirius talking about his brief stay in the tropics.

This living arrangement is probably as close as it gets to his old home where he lived alone during the first wizarding war. He finally has a place where he is welcome.

The Order is reformed and (most begrudgingly) Black returns to his family home.

“‘It doesn’t matter, don’t apologize,’ Sirius mumbled at once. He turned away from the tapestry, his hands deep in his pockets. **‘I don’t like being back here,** ’ he said, staring across the drawing room. ‘ **I never thought I’d be stuck in this house again**.’”

Dirty and dishevelled too:

“ **No one’s lived here for ten years** , not since my dear mother died, unless you count her old house-elf, and he’s gone round the twist, **hasn’t cleaned anything in ages** —"

It would have started bringing back awful memories of his childhood. The first time hearing his mother’s portrait screech would have been a shock. Then there was Kreacher… Dumbledore says Sirius was kind to house elves in general, and his problem with Kreacher was that he reminded him of his unpleasant childhood:

“‘He’s been alone too long,’ said Sirius, ‘taking mad orders from my mother’s portrait and talking to himself, but **he was always a foul little** —’”

Kreacher continually drags up the past:

“Oh, my **poor Mistress** , what would she say if she saw Kreacher serving him, **how she hated him, what a disappointment he was**.”

“— **comes back from Azkaban** **ordering Kreacher around** , oh my poor Mistress, what would she say if she saw the house now, scum living in it, her treasures thrown out, **she swore he was no son of hers and he’s back, they say he’s a murderer too —** "

At least he occasionally had Remus. Grimmauld Place is the second time the Marauders live together:

“… **Lupin, who was staying in the house with Sirius but who left it for long periods** to do mysterious work for the Order, helped them repair a grandfather clock that had developed the unpleasant habit of shooting heavy bolts at passers-by.”

But he was confined there. Unable to help with the fight, and he wasn’t the type of person to like that:

“‘Look . . .’ Hagrid leaned toward him across the table, ‘I knew Sirius longer ’n you did. . .. **He died in battle, an’ tha’s the way he’d’ve wanted ter go —** ’

‘He didn’t want to go at all!’ said Harry angrily.

Hagrid bowed his great shaggy head. ‘Nah, I don’ reckon he did,’ he said quietly. ‘But still, Harry . . . **he was never one ter sit around at home an’ let other people do the fightin’**. He couldn’ have lived with himself if he hadn’ gone ter help —’”

The lack of purpose and inability to act, hits him hard:

“‘Easy for you to say, stuck here!’ bellowed Fred. ‘I don’t see you risking your neck!’ **The little colour remaining in Sirius’s face drained from it. He looked for a moment as though he would quite like to hit Fred…** ”

After his childhood, after everything he had seen during the first wizarding war, after Azkaban, and now trapped back in Grimmauld Place (unable to act or have any control over the situation), Sirius starts showing signs of emotional distress. Distress he had no doubt always felt, but which could now be observed by others.

Remember, he’s had fourteen years of solitude prior to this. He’s had no need to exercise etiquette, tact, or control over his emotions. He shows this inability to control himself on several occasions before even setting foot back in Grimmauld Place. In the Shrieking Shack with Peter and Snape, and with the portrait of the Fat Lady. Even Peeves comments:

**“Nasty temper he’s got, that Sirius Black.”**

We see signs in his behaviour after Harry’s hearing at the Ministry:

“Sirius had put up a very good show of happiness on first hearing the news, wringing Harry’s hand and beaming just like the rest of them; soon, however, **he was moodier and surlier** than before, **talking less to everybody** , even Harry, and **spending increasing amounts of time shut up** in his mother’s room with Buckbeak.”

When Arthur is bitten, it appears he’s been up late, drinking by himself:

“Sirius was hurrying toward them all, looking anxious. **He was unshaven and still in his day clothes** ; there was also a slightly Mundungus-like **whiff of stale drink** about him.”

Then, over Christmas his mood changes again. Hermione is right about one thing – _Sirius was lonely for a very long time_. It shows, in both his delight at having company over Christmas, and his reaction to the prospect of returning to solitude:

“Everybody else spent the following morning putting up Christmas decorations. **Harry could not remember Sirius ever being in such a good mood** ; he was actually singing carols, apparently **delighted that he was to have company over Christmas**.”

“ **Sirius’s delight at having the house full again, and especially at having Harry back,** was infectious. He was no longer their **sullen host of the summer** ; now he seemed **determined that everyone should enjoy themselves** as much, if not more, than they would have done at Hogwarts, and he **worked tirelessly** in the run-up to Christmas Day…”

Not only did he have company, he had _purpose_ , ensuring everyone (especially Harry) had a good Christmas, and supporting the Weasley family in a time of need. It was a chance for him to _act_.

And here, at last, was the opportunity to be a godparent to Harry like he never had before. To enjoy family time with him. He cleans tirelessly, decorates extravagantly, and gives Harry an amazing gift (a series of books to help him with Dumbledore’s Army). It’s such a shame we’re whisked off to St. Mungo’s so quickly, and never really get to appreciate Sirius’ first real Christmas in a long time.

Christmas with his godson, a full house, and Grimmauld Place unrecognisably clean. It is little wonder he felt so alive again. And it is also little wonder that the end of Christmas sends him back into a depressed state:

“Harry did not mention his vague suspicions to Sirius, whose **cheerfulness was evaporating fast** now that Christmas was over. As the date of their departure back to Hogwarts drew nearer, he became more and more prone to what Mrs. Weasley called “ **fits of the sullens** ,” in which he would become **taciturn and grumpy** , often **withdrawing** to Buckbeak’s room for hours at a time. **His gloom seeped through the house** , oozing under doorways like some noxious gas, so that all of them became infected by it.”

I wouldn’t want to be stuck in Grimmauld Place alone either. There’s one other unpleasant thing lurking around. Smirking, taunting, belittling. Rubbing everything in his face. Someone Sirius _hated_.

_Snivelly._

To understand Padfoot’s hatred for the overgrown bat (and how mad it would have driven Sirius to have Snape in his house), we need to examine the extent of the dislike and its various components.

The extent is clear immediately. We see it at many points:

  * When Snape bursts into the Shrieking Shack, and they confront each other
  * Sirius scraping Snape’s head on the ceiling of the tunnel under the Whomping Willow
  * Snapes horrific outburst in the hospital wing after Black escapes on Buckbeak
  * The loathing in the hospital wing at the end of Goblet of Fire where they barely shake hands
  * Drawing wands on each other in the kitchen at Grimmauld Place



Now for the components… Snape and Sirius have plenty of reasons to hate each other. Severus blames Sirius (rightly) for the prank with Lupin. But there’s probably animosity which runs much deeper.

Everyone thought Sirius betrayed the Potters (even Dumbledore) and no doubt Snape would have wanted to kill Sirius as revenge for Lily’s death. Snape loved Lily. Everyone thinks Black betrayed her. Enter Snape into the Shrieking Shack and:

“’Give me a reason’ he whispered. ‘ **Give me a reason to do it and I swear I will**.’”

“‘ **Vengeance is very sweet** ,’ Snape breathed at Black. ‘How I hoped I would be the one to catch you.’”

Even once the Order reformed, I suspect Severus would still blame Sirius for Lily’s death. After all, Sirius did persuade the Potters to change to Peter as a Secret Keeper, _and Sirius even blamed himself for that fact_. When Padfoot tells Harry in the Shrieking Shack that he blames himself, you can see the weight of the guilt on him:

**“His voice broke. He turned away.”**

There’s a good chance that Sirius would have blamed Snape for the same incident. But we don’t know this for certain. A key question we need answered, is whether Sirius knew that it was Snape who overheard the prophecy and conveyed the information to Voldemort.

Because if, at any point, Sirius found out… he would have been _furious_.

Just like Harry, when Trelawney let slip in her sherry-induced blabbering, Sirius probably would have lost his mind at Dumbledore. Like Harry, he would have blamed Snape for the whole thing.

I’m sure there had been a lot of discussion in Order meetings about the prophecy around the dirty kitchen table at Grimmauld Place. Questions would arise about how Voldemort found out about the prophecy, and how much of it he had heard.

It’s unclear what the Order knew about the fine details of the matter, and how much they knew about Snape, because none of them seem to understand where Dumbledore’s trust of Snape comes from. They don’t appear to know he loved Lily.

However, Lupin gives us the first clue that the Marauders could have been aware of the complex nature of the Lily-James-Severus triangle. In Prisoner of Azkaban, Lupin notes Snape _particularly disliked James_ :

**“Jealous, I think, of James’ talent on the Quidditch pitch…”**

Remus. Dear Moony. You always had such a talent for subtleties. ‘ _I think’_. That little pause thrown in. Did you check yourself in that moment? Because when had Snape ever expressed an interest in _Quidditch_? Snape never played. Why would he be jealous of James for _that_?

But there was something else at Hogwarts Snape was interested in, and he was _very_ jealous about…

The Gryffindors knew Snape was waiting outside the portrait hole. That day he called her ‘Mudblood’. I wonder if they knew how Snape felt about her. I wonder if Lily lay with James years later, quietly talking about how Severus had been incensed that _James Potter fancied her_ … to which she replied that her future husband was an _arrogant toerag._

When Severus confronts Lily about James liking her, there is a point where the intensity of Snape’s gaze made her blush. If that didn’t give it away, his blustering about ‘I won’t let you’ probably did.

If Lily knew, then you can bet the Marauders knew.

Even if Dumbledore never mentioned anything to the Order about Snape’s continued love for Lily (all they knew was that Albus had an ironclad reason to trust the former Death Eater) I doubt it escaped Lily’s closest friends that he was besotted by her a school. They may not have realised he loved her still, but they might have known where the jealousy stemmed from.

If Sirius knew Snape fancied Lily at any point in time, and knew that Snape overheard the prophecy, he may have drawn some dangerous conclusions from it. At any rate, he would have blamed Snape for James dying, whether he thinks Snivelly did it out of jealousy or accidental recklessness. If Sirius can’t forgive himself for James’ death, why would he forgive Severus?

There were other reasons for Padfoot to hate Snape:

“Tell me, **how is Lucius Malfoy these days**? I expect he’s delighted his lapdog’s working at Hogwarts, isn’t he?”

Let’s not forget that much like Regulus, Severus was gunning to be a Death Eater before he left Hogwarts. Hanging around people like Mulciber. Lucius Malfoy was one of the first to greet Snape to the Slytherin table at after his sorting. Prank with Lupin or not, Sirius had reason to detest Snape at school simply because of his affiliations.

“‘Well,’ said Lupin slowly, ‘Snape was a special case. I mean, **he never lost an opportunity to curse James,** so you couldn’t really expect James to take that lying down, could you?’”

We tend to think of Snape’s worst memory, and the Lupin prank in isolation. But clearly Snape wasn’t as innocent as he claimed and provoked the Marauders. Particularly, it seems, James.

It’s like asking Ron to stop hating Malfoy when Draco does nothing but pick on Harry. We think of Ron as loyal. A good best friend. Tried to make Draco eat slugs when he called Hermione ‘Mudblood’. Why don’t we forgive Sirius this way for his hatred of Snape, when Severus clearly had it in for James?

Snape always had a bit of a thing for picking on people. At school it was James, and anyone else he and his Death Eater pals singled out. He was sneaking around, trying to find out Lupin’s secret, and get the Marauders expelled. Hell, he called the woman he loved ‘Mudblood’. It continues as an adult. Neville. Harry. He even makes fun of his best student, Hermione. _He bullies children_. He gets Lupin sacked. Makes fun of Tonks for her Patronus (what did she ever do to Snape?). He continually taunts Sirius:

‘Oh yeah,’ said Sirius sarcastically. ‘Listening to Snape’s reports, **having to take all his snide hints that he’s out there risking his life while I’m sat on my backside** here having a nice comfortable time . . . asking me how the cleaning’s going —’

And why in the hell would you ever trust a Death Eater?

Peter Pettigrew was already proof that cowards were prone to running back to Voldemort. He was a concrete example of why you should never trust a Death Eater. No wonder Sirius has the conviction to tell Snape to his face:

**“I don’t care if Dumbledore thinks you’re reformed, I know better.”**

Then we have Snape’s mistreatment of Harry.

The boy who looks so like James. I can’t help but feel that Sirius would see Severus mistreating the kid as a slap in the face of his dead best friend. The greasy git, always spitting at the poor boy about a father he never even knew. Kicking a child in the face over a man who had been dead for years. Rubbing salt into Harry’s own parentless wounds.

Even Dumbledore acknowledges Snape is unable to put aside his hatred of James:

“But I forgot — another old man’s mistake — **that some wounds run too deep for the healing**. I thought Professor Snape could overcome his feelings about your father — I was wrong.”

It's a comment about James that sets Sirius off against Snape in the kitchen at Grimmauld Place. More specifically a comment about _how Harry is like James_. How Harry is “so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off him”. The taunts about not being able to do anything useful for the Order were tolerated. Dumbledore tells Harry later, that Snape’s stabs about being locked up in Grimmauld Place didn’t affect Sirius:

“‘Sirius was much too old and clever to have allowed **such feeble taunts to hurt him** ,’ said Dumbledore.”

But picking on Harry and James in the same stroke (in front of the kid) was not tolerated. Wands were out.

So, what does this shine light on?

If Sirius had such a huge reason to hate Snape, and vice versa, it puts new perspective on their quarrel. Rather than their bickering being a sign of an immature inability to put aside a school yard stunt, it now plays as a contained handling of what is no doubt a deep and complex rage.

It would have taken enormous control for Sirius to keep a lid on it (considering his current emotional state) when he had spent twelve years in Azkaban, and Snape had been holding a cushy teaching position. It would certainly explain why they were drawing wands on each other so many years later in the kitchen at Grimmauld Place.

We also know Sirius must have greatly respected Dumbledore to take Snape’s bollocks. He trusted Albus and did was he was asked, despite Snape goading him, on top of his loss of freedom, and while being stuck in Grimmauld Place (and being told he can’t do what he likes with his godson):

“‘I wouldn’t mind if I could just get out occasionally and do something useful. **I’ve asked Dumbledore whether I can escort you to your hearing** …”

At least he asked. Sirius’ reaction to being told ‘no’? He doesn’t like it, but he obeys:

“‘Professor Dumbledore doesn’t think it’s a good idea for Sirius to go with you, and I must say I —’

‘— think he’s _quite right_ ,’ **said Sirius through clenched teeth.”**

I honestly don’t know if he’s angry at Molly or Dumbledore at this point, but I suspect it’s a bit of both. Perhaps Padfoot did have the occasional temper tantrum, but Ron comments that Sirius always did what Dumbledore advised, even if he didn’t like the advice:

“‘I don’t reckon he’d be stupid enough to turn up,’ said Ron bracingly. ‘Dumbledore’d go mad if he did and **Sirius listens to Dumbledore even if he doesn’t like what he hears**.’”

Again, Harry and Sirius find themselves with a shared experience – being told ‘no’ by Dumbledore. Sirius isn’t allowed to do anything. Harry isn’t allowed to know anything. Both feel rejection from a man they both love and respect. Potter and Black are both loyal to Albus, and it hurts them to be pushed away:

“Because the Ministry of Magic’s still after me, and Voldemort will know all about me being an Animagus by now, Wormtail will have told him, so my big disguise is useless. **There’s not much I can do for the Order of the Phoenix . . . or so Dumbledore feels**.”

Dumbledore tells Harry that he was not Sirius’ only correspondent during the Triwizard Tournament. Sirius wrote to Dumbledore. Dumbledore suggested the mountain cave. He allowed Sirius onto the school grounds while he was on the run. We know this, because Albus tells McGonagall to fetch a large dog from the pumpkin patch and send it to his office after Harry returns from the graveyard.

Padfoot had been invited on to the grounds by Dumbledore to watch the third task.

Albus believes Sirius when he is caught in Prisoner of Azkaban. Dumbledore verifies the story with Harry before setting them on the time turner quest, but he trusts Sirius, and changes his mind about throwing Padfoot to the Ministry and their dementors.

 _Dumbledore trusted Sirius. Sirius trusted Dumbledore_.

It would have no doubt given Padfoot peace of mind knowing Albus could protect Harry from Peter while Sirius was still on the run. It would have also given him great personal comfort to have a friend after all the years in the clink. And in times of trouble, who else makes a better ally than Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore?

Loyalty. Obedience. Love.

Good dog.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Tout Le Monde (Megadeth – Youthanasia, 1994)
> 
> Although Youthanasia was released in 1994, A Tout Le Monde wasn’t released as a single until 1995 – Sirius’ last full year.
> 
> The song's chorus, "à tout le monde, à tous mes amis, je vous aime, je dois partir", translated into English is, "to the whole world, to all my friends, I love you, I have to leave", which prompted accusations that it was pro-suicide. As a result, MTV banned the music video. But that was not the case. Megadeth front man, Dave Mustaine, explained that the song represented the unsaid things between people when loved ones die unexpectedly. Mustain’s opinion was that if he had three seconds left in his life, A Tout Le Monde would be what he would say – I loved you all, but now I must go. He wouldn’t bother with apologies, placations, or goodbyes. He’d cut to the chase and say what was really important – I love you. Sounds like something Sirius would do.
> 
> I think Dave and Sirius would get along well – both are rebels, like to push their craft to the limits, and are highly political. Smart, cynical, and with a voice like a growl, they both also had the misfortune of being unceremoniously booted out of a fabulous foursome in their youth.  
> Mustaine was ejected from Metallica due to his drug and alcohol issues. Yes, you read correctly – he was too wild for Metallica. But Dave loved that band, especially Lars Ulrich, and it was a loss of friendship which stayed with him for many years. Fortunately, Dave is as stubborn, talented, and determined as Padfoot, and Megadeth became one of the best, fastest, thrash metal bands around. One of the ‘Big 4’ metal bands, alongside Metallica, Slayer and Anthrax. So eventually, Dave ended up in the top foursome again, despite the painful past.


	10. Ugly Reflections

Sirius snarled, and his lip curled in a very dog-like fashion.

Pacing the filthy, worn carpet of Grimmauld Place. Muttering under his breath like that little stain, Kreacher. The source of his angry disgust rattled around in his head - Snape.

Padfoot didn’t care if Snape was still sore about the incident with Lupin all those years ago. Sirius wasn’t sure if Prongs ‘saved’ Snape to get in Lily’s good books, or if he was just too much of a nice guy. It was a mistake. He should have let the git die because that’s exactly what Snivellus did to James – _let him fucking die_.

Whatever rubbish had gone on between them at school was _nothing_ compared to Snape being the one who overheard the prophecy. The one who set everything in motion.

The one who had marked his best friend for death.

He ground his teeth as he thought about the wreckage at Godric’s Hollow. They had all known Snape had a ridiculous crush on Lily at school. His jealousy and paranoia had been obvious. Despite the fact Lily had ditched the douchebag as a friend, Sirius wouldn’t have been surprised if Snape regretted her death somewhat. But he also had no doubt that he would have seen James’ death as an outright victory.

Harry could never know. That would pose too many questions.

But now the rotten asshole was going to be teaching Harry Occlumency, and Padfoot was livid. Why Dumbledore couldn’t teach the kid himself, he didn’t know, but trusting the dirty greaseball with his godson’s mind was a step too far.

Sirius gripped his fists into balls as he thought about some of the things Harry had told him. The incidents between Harry and Snape. Thinking about the dark comments the Weasley kids had been making (when they thought Molly was out of earshot) just made it worse.

Snape had been picking on Harry for no other reason than the fact that he was James Potter’s son. The pasty bastard was still kicking his best friend in the teeth years after his death. What’s worse, he was doing it to a _kid_. Harry didn’t deserve it, and he had been through more than enough shit without Severus being a jerk.

Guilt.

It was why he had sent Harry the Firebolt. Why every present he gave the kid had meaning and purpose. He’d been absent from Harry’s life for twelve years and missed so many key moments. Sirius knew that if he hadn’t gone to jail, he might have been able to ensure Harry had a half decent upbringing. The Dursleys wouldn’t have mistreated him, and he sure as hell wouldn’t have let Snape bully him for so long.

He had watched in shock the day Harry plummeted from his broom. For one horrific moment he thought the boy would die. Thank heavens for Dumbledore! Still, it had cost Harry his broomstick and he knew that Harry had loved flying since ever since he was a baby. He had been on the run at the time, but it was worth the risk to get his godson what he needed. And hell – he owed the kid a few presents.

Two years ago, Harry stormed out of Petunia’s house in ragged, second-hand clothes. Sirius had watched him that night. The house at Privet Drive was neat, and Vernon’s car was worth a bit. He wasn’t really an expert in modern motor cars, but he’d been a keen reader of Muggle car and motorbike magazines in his youth. He knew enough to see that the Dursley’s weren’t broke, and yet here was their nephew wearing clothes almost as bad as his own prison rags.

That rotten bitch Petunia was still bitter about her sister being a witch. She didn’t even turn up to Lily’s wedding, and never saw Harry as a baby until he was left in her care. She had never loved him. Harry’s immediate desire to come and live with a criminal he had just met, coupled with the stories he had since heard about the Dursleys, made Sirius boil with rage.

Padfoot was determined to make sure Harry’s lot improved and was glad the boy used his notorious godfather as leverage with his aunt and uncle. Turned out the kid was cheekily resourceful, despite being raised by morons.

He really was the son of Prongs, through and through.

Unfortunately, it was this exact quality which was now causing Padfoot the greatest concern. Snape would say anything to the kid in his stupid dislike of James, and the boy was already starting to doubt himself. Harry could do without Dumbledore’s pet bat flapping around in his brain, particularly when his mind was vulnerable.

Assuming Snape did the job properly and wasn’t softening Harry up for his beloved Dark Lord...

Sirius was still amazed that Dumbledore was trusting a fucking _Death Eater_ as his right hand. Albus insisted Snape was reformed, but it was a huge risk they couldn’t afford to take. Even if Snape was with the Order _now_ , he knew how cowards like Wormtail and Snivellus often go grovelling back to their old masters when times get tough. Peter had already proven the point and was the reason Voldemort was back in the first place. There was every chance Snape could turn again. If he hadn’t already.

Dumbledore was being far too rash with Harry’s life.

There was only one thing for it – he would have to take matters into his own hands. As Mad-Eye would say, keep an eye on him. To be certain. Because he would not risk the last Potter. And he sure as hell wasn’t trusting Severus Snape, because he now knew that piece of shit was part of the reason James was dead.

He suddenly started towards the stairs, with the simple solution clear in his head. A way for Harry to contact his godfather if he needed help. He’d have to wrap it quickly in case Molly was nosing about. Padfoot didn’t think she’d like the idea. Boots now thumped loudly as he took the stairs two at a time, charging upwards in haste to find what he wanted to give to Harry.

Sirius ran for the mirror.


	11. The Boy Who Loved

_There are places I'll remember all my life, though some have changed.  
Some forever, not for better. Some have gone, and some remain.  
All these places had their moments with lovers and friends I still can recall…  
Some are dead, and some are living... In my life, I've loved them all._

_But of all these friends and lovers, there is no one compares with you,_ _and these memories lose their meaning when I think of love as something new._

_Though I know I'll never lose affection for people and things that went before, I know I'll often stop and think about them…_

_…In my life, I'll love you more._

_\- I_ _n My Life_

_(The Beatles – Rubber Soul, 1965)_

***

Above all, when I think of Sirius, I don’t think about his pain, his lesser personality traits, or his fleas.

I think about his love.

For James, Lily, Remus, and Harry…

“Beside him, making scarcely a sound, walked James, Sirius, Lupin and Lily, and their presence was his courage, and the reason he was able to keep putting one foot in front of the other.”

I wanted to explore Padfoot’s love, by examining a particular scene in the Order of the Phoenix. When Sirius argues with Molly about what Harry should know about Voldemort and the Order.

It’s easy to skim over the argument because we get heavy dose of exposition to distract us, as Harry is filled in about Voldemort. JKR is particularly good at using chaos to distract us from information (she uses Vernon’s blustering a lot to this effect), but she is equally good at using exposition to distract us from key emotional moments.

So, let’s break down this argument bit by bit, remove the exposition about the Order and Voldemort, and focus for a minute not on Harry’s reactions, but on Sirius (I’ll apologise to Mrs Weasley now, because I’m going to take Sirius’ side, and I’ll be talking about all the ways in which she pisses him off).

Firstly, let’s look at what this fight is _really_ about…

“‘It’s not my fault you haven’t been told what the Order’s doing,’ said Sirius calmly. ‘That’s your parents’ decision. Harry, on the other hand —’

 **‘It’s not down to you to decide what’s good for Harry!’ said Mrs. Weasley sharply**. Her normally kindly face looked dangerous. ‘You haven’t forgotten what Dumbledore said, I suppose?’

‘Which bit?’ Sirius asked politely, but **with an air as though readying himself for a fight…”**

Molly lays down the crux of the argument – whether Sirius has the right to decide things on Harry’s behalf. This is not just a debate over whether Harry should be provided information. This is about Sirius’ position as Harry’s guardian. No wonder Sirius is getting ready for a fight. He’s not just steeling himself against Mrs Weasley’s formidable shouting skills, he’s preparing to defend his honour as a godfather.

We’ll pick up where I just left you…

“‘The bit about not telling Harry more than he _needs to know_ ,’ said Mrs. Weasley, placing a heavy emphasis on the last three words…

 **Lupin’s eyes were fixed on Sirius.** ”

OK, maybe we should watch Remus too…

“‘I don’t intend to tell him more than he _needs to know_ , Molly,’ said Sirius. ‘But as he was the one who saw Voldemort come back’ …, ‘he has more right than most to —’

“‘He’s not a member of the Order of the Phoenix!’ said Mrs. Weasley. ‘He’s only fifteen and —’

**‘— and he’s dealt with as much as most in the Order,’ said Sirius, ‘and more than some —’**

‘No one’s denying what he’s done!’ said Mrs. Weasley, her voice rising, her fists trembling on the arms of her chair. ‘But he’s still —’

**‘He’s not a child!’ said Sirius impatiently.**

Sirius is talking about more than Harry facing Voldemort. Remember, Sirius understands Harry and his upbringing. What he’s been through since he hit Hogwarts. He knows Harry has more maturity than his age would indicate. Ironically (or rather, when it comes to JKR, purposefully) Harry sprays Ron and Hermione with the same argument just hours earlier:

“WHO SAVED THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE? WHO GOT RID OF RIDDLE? WHO SAVED BOTH YOUR SKINS FROM THE DEMENTORS?... WHO HAD TO GET PAST DRAGONS AND SPHINXES AND EVERY OTHER FOUL THING LAST YEAR?”

Sirius also knows Harry’s current mood is volatile. He received a very pointed letter from Harry four days prior to this argument:

“I’ve just been attacked by dementors and I might be expelled from Hogwarts. **I want to know what’s going on** and when I’m going to get out of here.”

Harry had instructed Hedwig to peck Sirius until he’d written a decent length answer. Sirius knows Harry is at bursting point, even if he didn’t hear Harry explode at Ron and Hermione upstairs before dinner.

The argument continues to escalate…

“‘He’s not an adult either!’ said Mrs. Weasley, the colour rising in her cheeks. **‘He’s not _James_ , Sirius!’**

**‘I’m perfectly clear who he is, thanks, Molly,’ said Sirius coldly.**

‘I’m not sure you are!’ said Mrs. Weasley. **‘Sometimes, the way you talk about him, it’s as though you think you’ve got your best friend back!’”**

Sheesh… Low blow, Molly. Sirius does not sound amused. Admittedly, Sirius does make some assumptions that Harry is like his father in some ways he may not be:

“Sirius looked out of the fire at Harry, a crease between his sunken eyes. ‘ **You’re less like your father than I thought** ,’ he said finally, a definite coolness in his voice. ‘The risk would’ve been what made it fun for James.’”

However, Sirius is still getting to know Harry. Trying to figure the kid out. Just because Sirius is trying to figure out _how Harry may be like James,_ it doesn’t mean he’s got the relationship mixed up.

Let’s resume the argument…

“‘What’s wrong with that?’ said Harry.

‘What’s wrong, Harry, is that you are not your father, however much you might look like him!’ said Mrs. Weasley, her eyes still boring into Sirius. ‘You are still at school and adults responsible for you should not forget it!’

**‘Meaning I’m an irresponsible godfather?’ demanded Sirius, his voice rising.”**

Sirius gets indignant.

Considering he is an escaped con, I think he does an admirable job being a godfather in the short time afforded to him. While on the run, Sirius sends Harry several gifts, including the Firebolt. Each has purpose. Each is useful and thought out.

He sends Pigwidgeon with the letter giving permission for Harry to visit Hogsmeade, solving Harry and Ron’s woes in one go.

In Goblet of Fire, Padfoot sends Harry a handy penknife (which Harry neglects in the second task) with attachments to unlock any lock, and undo any knot. Part of me can’t help but wonder if he sent it to Harry so he could sneak out of Privet Drive (unlocking his room door without magic).

In the mountain cave, Snuffles brings up every topic which pieces together the Barty Crouch mystery, and gives the trio a ‘gift’ in the form of the exact lines of thinking they need to solve the riddle:

  * He talks about Winky, and points out the trio should pay more attention to how Crouch treated his elf
  * He questions Harry about whether Crouch was in the top box at the Quidditch World Cup, and asks Harry if he still had his wand there
  * He is suspicious on Bagman’s motives for helping Harry
  * He thinks it is suspicious that Crouch was seen on the Marauder’s Map in Snape’s office
  * He talks about Bertha Jorkins and said it would be easy for Voldemort to lure her into a trap



He gives Harry a set of books called _Practical Defensive Magic and its Use Against the Dark Arts_ in fifth year to help with the DA. Books which have moving, colour, illustrations. Super practical.

The last gift is the mirror. Neglected foolishly. The answer to Harry’s communication problem. Broken, and still saving him in the seventh book:

“This is a two-way mirror. I’ve got the other. If you need to speak to me, just say my name into it; you’ll appear in my mirror and I’ll be able to talk in yours. James and I used to use them when we were in separate detentions.”

Oh, and he leaves Harry Grimmauld Place in his will… Everything he owns. A place to hide. R.A.B. Lily’s letter. Kreacher. If that place wasn’t the gift that kept on giving in Deathly Hallows, I don’t know what was.

Then there’s the next bit of the argument…

“‘ **Meaning you’ve been known to act rashly, Sirius,** which is why Dumbledore keeps reminding you to stay at home and —’

**‘We’ll leave my instructions from Dumbledore out of this if you please!’ said Sirius loudly.”**

Ok, _now_ Sirius is ticked off.

He takes risks _for_ Harry, but he doesn’t take risks in his handling of Harry. Remember, Sirius is a career fighter and is used to taking chances. I think what he gets up to for the Order is separate to his responsibility towards Harry. The man lived in a cave, starving, and yet he starts writing to Harry _daily_ leading up to the third task. Every letter tells Harry to keep his nose clean and stay safe. Harry even makes fun of this fact, questioning the hypocrisy of Sirius telling him to be a good boy.

During Order of the Phoenix, he takes a different tact, but a warranted one. He encourages Harry to start the DA, reasoning that the greater threat is Voldemort. Padfoot couldn’t care less about Umbridge - it was the threat of the Dark Lord which posed Harry the biggest risk. But until Harry arrived at Grimmauld Place, Sirius had been telling Harry to keep his nose clean:

“How much longer was he supposed to endure **Sirius telling him to sit tight and be a good boy**...?”

While he offers to ‘see to Amelia Bones’ for Harry if he is convicted at the Ministry, Sirius also advises him “Don’t lose your temper” and “Be polite. Stick to the facts.”

Sirius is livid when he finds out Snape is teaching Harry Occlumency, but he is equally livid when Snape _stops_ teaching him.

Back to the argument. Molly rounds on Arthur to get him to back her up, but to no avail. The only other person to offer their opinion on the subject is Remus…

“‘ **Personally,’ said Lupin quietly, looking away from Sirius at last** , as Mrs. Weasley turned quickly to him, hopeful that finally she was about to get an ally, ‘ **I think it better that Harry gets the facts** — not all the facts, Molly, but the general picture — **from us** , rather than a garbled version from . . . others.’ **His expression was mild** , but Harry felt sure that Lupin, at least, knew that some Extendable Ears had survived Mrs. Weasley’s purge.”

Lupin supports Sirius in this fight, but he’s trying to steer the ship gently. Moony has been observing Padfoot this entire time. Remus knows the argument is sailing into increasingly dangerous waters…

“‘Well,’ said Mrs. Weasley, breathing deeply and looking around the table for support that did not come, ‘well . . **. I can see I’m going to be overruled**. I’ll just say this: Dumbledore must have had his reasons for not wanting Harry to know too much, and speaking as **someone who has got Harry’s best interests at heart** —’

**‘He’s not your son.’ said Sirius quietly.”**

He’s James and Lily’s son.

Sirius’ godson. Sirius is Harry’s _legal guardian_. A duty to James and Lily I’m sure he takes very much to heart. Molly is _not_ Harry’s legal guardian (as much as she would love to be, and nobody is doubting what she’s done for Harry), and there is nothing for her to be overruled on. It is technically Molly trying to overrule Sirius.

And was she implying Sirius _doesn’t_ have Harry’s best interests at heart? At this point, Sirius is already pissed off. But Molly is not done yet, and she is about to twist the knife.

Pay attention, folks, because shit is about to get real…

**“‘He’s as good as,** ’ said Mrs. Weasley fiercely. **‘Who else has he got?’**

**‘He’s got me!’**

‘Yes,’ said Mrs. Weasley, her lip curling. ‘The thing is **, it’s been rather difficult for you to look after him while you’ve been locked up** in Azkaban, hasn’t it?’

**Sirius started to rise from his chair.”**

_‘Who else has he got?’_. Throwing Azkaban in his face. The challenge to Sirius’ fitness as a godfather. Asserting her own place as being ‘as good as’ his primary carer, and the best placed to make decisions for him. Implying Harry has no one else to rely on but her.

The real subject of this argument. And a step too far. Sirius gets out of his chair.

Molly just struck a hideously sore point. Sirius had been in Azkaban for a long time, but it’s not like he deserved to be there. He was framed. I have no doubt he had already punished _himself_ enough about not being able to care for Harry.

However, _Molly didn’t raise Harry either_ – Petunia did.

Harry’s time with the Weasley family up to this point isn’t as much as you’d think. Molly met Harry (briefly) on Platform 9 ¾ twice in his first year. He spends time The Burrow in second year summer holiday, but only after starving for weeks and being sprung from Privet Drive in the Anglia. He meets the Weasleys briefly at the Leaky Cauldron in third year, after blowing up Marge and running away. In fourth year, he gets to join the Weasleys at the Quidditch World Cup.

But Molly didn’t go to the Cup, and the only real quality time she spends with Harry alone is the day of the third task in the Triwizard Tournament. He doesn’t even spend Christmas at The Burrow until his sixth year.

When Dumbledore asks Harry to recount his experience of facing Voldemort in the graveyard, it is _Sirius_ who Albus summons. Padfoot was the one who supported Harry through the re-telling. The one who was privy to the information. The one who Albus thought Harry needed most in his time of need. Sirius had written to Harry, advised him, encouraged him, supported him. Answered every one of Harry’s requests for help. Risked his life for him.

Sirius didn’t want Hagrid to take Harry to Petunia’s. He cared deeply for that kid and would have loved nothing more than to raise him. The very first thing Sirius does after the incident in the Shrieking Shack, is ask Harry to come and live with him. Even _Kreacher_ could see how much Sirius cared for Harry, and he relayed that information to Voldemort:

“‘Like the fact that **the person Sirius cared most about in the world was you** ,’ said Dumbledore quietly….”

I’m sure Sirius would have _loved_ to be the one to take Harry to Platform 9 ¾ for the first time. I have a sneaking suspicion it’s why he disobeyed Dumbledore and went as Snuffles to the station with Harry. James would have been disappointed in him if he had missed the opportunity to see Harry onto the Hogwarts Express.

He’d missed more than enough of that kid’s life moments. Molly’s comment is as much bragging as it is an attack. To add insult to injury, Molly is throwing it in Sirius’ face, _in front_ of Harry.

Molly, Sirius, and Remus all react in ways which show how personal and hurtful this argument is getting. After all, when do we hear Lupin speak sharply to Molly, except for this next line? …

“‘Molly, **you’re not the only person at this table who cares about Harry** ,’ **said Lupin sharply**. ‘Sirius, sit _down_.’

**Mrs. Weasley’s lower lip was trembling. Sirius sank slowly back into his chair, his face white.**

Padfoot is clearly upset. We don’t see Sirius react in this way often. He goes white. He’s not snarling and angry. He’s shocked. Hurt.

Molly’s lip is trembling, and she clearly finds the confrontation upsetting. But when in the history of Howlers did _Molly Weasley_ ever get upset by an argument?

Everyone is upset. Including Lupin. He’s not about to placate Molly when he’s already sided with Sirius, and Molly’s just played the Azkaban card against his best friend. Remus also cares for Harry, and now feels that he has a right to speak his mind on the matter.

Thank goodness because someone has to settle everything down…

“‘I think Harry ought to be allowed a say in this,’ Lupin continued. ‘ **He’s old enough to decide for himself.** ’”

The last word on the issue: Sirius is right. Harry’s earned his stripes.

It is curious that Remus feels he has the right to butt in. But I think I know why. He was a Marauder, knew Harry’s parents, and was Sirius’ only remaining friend. Tellingly, Sirius _lets_ Remus butt in without rebuke. After Mrs Weasley whittles down the number of teens by one, Sirius shows his respect by waiting for Remus to return before starting the discussion…

“Ginny did not go quietly. They could hear her raging and storming at her mother all the way up the stairs, and when she reached the hall Mrs. Black’s ear-splitting shrieks were added to the din. **Lupin hurried off to the portrait to restore calm. It was only after he had returned, closing the kitchen door behind him, and taking his seat at the table again, that Sirius spoke**.”

Lupin and Sirius had a common understanding. Both had unhappy aspects to their childhood. Both had known hardship and death. Both had been shunned by society. And they are both Marauders and friends of Harry’s parents. Later this year, the two of them will pitch in together to buy Harry his set of defensive magic books, to help him teach the students in Dumbledore’s Army. They _both_ loved Harry. Why do you think Lupin appears from the resurrection stone too? Remus proves it at the Ministry:

(Lucius) “Malfoy aimed his wand at Harry and Neville again, but before he could draw breath to strike, **Lupin had jumped between them**. ‘Harry, round up the others and GO!’”

When Harry appears in the Grimmauld Place fire, wanting to talk to Sirius, Remus reacts with concern:

**“‘Harry!’ he said, looking thoroughly shocked. ‘What are you — what’s happened, is everything all right?’”**

It’s the same worry Sirius shows minutes later:

 **“‘What is it?’ said Sirius urgently** , sweeping his long dark hair out of his eyes and dropping to the ground in front of the fire, so that he and Harry were on a level; **Lupin knelt down too, looking very concerned. ‘Are you all right? Do you need help?’** ”

Lupin’s authority is proven in the final stage of the argument, after Harry is filled in about Voldemort’s plans…

“‘Watch me,’ snarled Mrs. Weasley. She was trembling slightly as she looked at Sirius. ‘You’ve given Harry plenty of information. Anymore and you might just as well induct him into the Order straight away.’

‘Why not?’ said Harry quickly. ‘I’ll join, I want to join, I want to fight —’

 **‘No.’ It was not Mrs. Weasley who spoke this time, but Lupin.** ‘The Order is comprised only of overage wizards,’ he said. ‘Wizards who have left school,’ he added, as Fred and George opened their mouths. ‘There are dangers involved of which you can have no idea, any of you . . **. I think Molly’s right, Sirius. We’ve said enough.’ Sirius half-shrugged but did not argue.”**

Remus has enough sway with Sirius to be able to have the final word, and with that, it is over.

I’m not saying Sirius doesn’t respect Molly. I believe he does, and I also believe he would have been grateful for all the time and effort she put into looking after Harry. Looking after them all. Caring for Harry like a son. Arguing in a dingy kitchen for the sake of his wellbeing.

Such an upsetting argument only highlights just how much love there was in Grimmauld Place at that moment. It is a wonderful gift. Mrs Black would have been incensed.

I’ll leave you with this last interaction from the kitchen in Grimmauld Place. When Harry speaks to Sirius and Remus from Umbridge’s fireplace about Snape booting him from Occlumency lessons:

“‘Now you mention it,’ said Lupin, **a faint crease between his eyebrows,** ‘how did Snape react when he found you’d seen all this?’

‘He told me he’d never teach me Occlumency again,’ said Harry indifferently, ‘like that’s a big disappoint —’

 **‘He WHAT?’ shouted Sirius** , causing Harry to jump and inhale a mouthful of ashes.

 **‘Are you serious, Harry?’ said Lupin quickly**. ‘He’s stopped giving you lessons?’

‘Yeah,’ said Harry, **surprised at what he considered a great overreaction**. ‘But it’s okay, I don’t care, it’s a bit of a relief to tell you the —’

**‘I’m coming up there to have a word with Snape!’ said Sirius forcefully and he actually made to stand up, but Lupin wrenched him back down again.**

**‘If anyone’s going to tell Snape it will be me!’ he said firmly.** ‘But Harry, first of all, you’re to go back to Snape and tell him that on no account is he to stop giving you lessons — when Dumbledore hears —’

‘I can’t tell him that, he’d kill me!’ said Harry, outraged. ‘You didn’t see him when we got out of the Pensieve —’

**‘Harry, there is nothing so important as you learning Occlumency!’ said Lupin sternly. ‘Do you understand me? Nothing!’”**

Harry is surprised at the force of their reaction. He sees it as an overreaction. Lupin gets stern. Black gets overprotective. Things Molly might do…

… or more to the point, _what James would have done…_

I don’t always agree with Harry. But I do agree with this…

“But some part of him realised, even as he fought to break free from Lupin, that **Sirius had never kept him waiting before. . .. Sirius had risked everything, always, to see Harry, to help him**. . .. If Sirius was not reappearing out of that archway when Harry was yelling for him as though his life depended on it, the only possible explanation was that he could not come back. . .. That he really was . . .”

Sirius loved. Fiercely. _And he was loved._

“‘He can’t come back, Harry,’ said Lupin, **his voice breaking** as he struggled to contain Harry.

‘ **He can’t come back, because he’s d —** ’”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In My Life (The Beatles – Rubber Soul, 1965)
> 
> A song from Sirius’ childhood. Lennon cited In My Life as his first ‘serious’ work, because it was the first time he had written anything personal about his own life. The song was a heavily modified version of a poem Lennon had written about his childhood in Liverpool.
> 
> Rubber Soul was the first recording on which Lennon and McCartney first experienced creative differences. The first of the ‘drug induced’ pieces. Lennon called it their ‘pot album’. It was also the first time the four of them had spent any great length of time in the studio together. The band was shifting from their usual teen pop act (i.e. the ‘Beatlemania’ days), into something more artistic. They were now starting to showcase their musical talents in a way they had not previously. The Beatles became more mature and adult. Their lyrics, more meaningful and personal. Unwittingly the Beatles had stumbled onto a fact that Sirius has always known – that conflict and introspection, while painful, can create beautiful things.


	12. Mischief Managed

_How do I say goodbye to what we had? The good times that made us laugh outweigh the bad._

_I thought we'd get to see forever, but forever's gone away._

_It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday._

_-_ _It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday_

_(Boyz II Men – Cooleyhighharmony, 1991)_

***

Sirius had his dark side. He’d seen combat. Known betrayal. Tasted defeat. Courted death. Aggressive, sulky, immature and disrespectful. An idiot, and an arrogant little berk. He was vengeful at times. Cynical. Even bitter.

Sirius had his light side. Padfoot was kind. Generous. Loyal. Brave. Trusting. He laughed. He cared. Always doing everything in his power to ensure Harry has everything he needs. He tolerated so much. Fought so hard. Loved fiercely.

We loved Sirius the way Harry loved him. Immediately, upon knowing the truth. Without restraint. And we were all gutted when he was snatched from us so quickly. Albus’ thoughts on the matter could apply as easily to the reader, as they do to Harry:

  
**“‘It was cruel,’ said Dumbledore softly, ‘that you and Sirius had such a short time together. A brutal ending to what should have been a long and happy relationship.’”**

We owe it to Padfoot to see things from his point of view.

We also owe him a proper send off. Sirius never had a funeral, unlike Dumbledore or Dobby. We never had that closure.

However, giving Padfoot a fitting goodbye is a job best left for someone else. Someone who knew Sirius better than anyone. Someone who is far more suited to the task than I am.

So, for me, it’s Mischief Managed. But I’ll leave you in capable paws…

***

Padfoot would have done it for him. Even through the tears.

Sirius would not have been afraid to cry at a time like this. Or be afraid of speaking in public. Sirius was never afraid of anything. He would have spoken eloquently and thoughtfully, and probably even managed to make everyone laugh a few times. And the bastard would have done it effortlessly.

Not Moony. There wasn’t an ounce of humour in him tonight, and he shook with nerves.

Remus took another swig of his firewhiskey, then steadied himself emotionally and physically as topped up his glass again. He looked around at the people assembled outside The Burrow. They could not go back to Grimmauld Place now, and Lupin was privately glad. Not only was he unable to face the dingy house without Padfoot, but it would have been the worst possible place to farewell his best friend.

They had no body to bury, but Arthur and Molly had kindly consented to have a gathering in his honour on their property. It was a simple affair, and very small. It was just the way Sirius would have wanted: intimate, down to earth, under the open sky, and with plenty of Molly’s best cooking. He looked around at the people who were mingling, eating, and talking quietly.

Talking about Sirius.

The kids were still at Hogwarts (although thankfully out of the hospital wing), and tonight was an adults-only affair. It was not that they wanted to deny the young ones a chance to say goodbye (particularly not Harry), but the Order needed to pay their respects to a fallen warrior.

A man who and lived and died for the fight. Died in service. One of their own.

They had all turned up, except Albus and Severus. Hogwarts needed guarding, and the Order always came first. Harry’s safety was a priority, and Dumbledore had stayed behind to let Minerva attend. Snape had thankfully not turned up either, even though Molly _insisted_ on inviting him. Sirius would have hated having him here.

But the rest were here, and he would have _loved that_.

Mundungus, stinking like old socks, was telling Fred and George a story about something stupid. He could tell by the muffled laughter of the Order’s newest recruits that it was probably illegal. Arabella Figg was tucking into a sandwich, while listening to Aberforth reminisce. Tonks, not long out of St. Mungo’s, was chatting quietly with both her parents.

Tonks… he looked at her pale, pretty face which was framed by sadly mousy hair. His stomach turned with both terrible guilt, and an incredibly powerful longing. Rejecting her was one of the hardest things he had ever been forced to do.

Heartbreak, on top of grief, was an awful burden to bear…

For both of them…

Remus looked at Andromeda Tonks. It was the first time he had met Padfoot’s favourite cousin, and he knew Sirius would have been touched she was here. Moony had introduced himself, and despite the conversation being awkward (for many reasons), he had understood why Sirius liked Andromeda so much. She seemed to take great comfort from hearing about Sirius’ bravery.

Minerva was sipping on a Gillywater in a state of quiet contemplation. Sirius had always been one of her favourites when she taught the Marauders at Hogwarts, despite him losing more house points than the rest of Gryffindor put together. Clever, capable, and acerbic like her, Padfoot had won her over with his charm, and she had always been soft on him as a result.

Charlie Weasley and Hagrid were hanging around each other as always, and Lupin had little doubt they were _not_ discussing Sirius. His suspicions were confirmed when he clearly heard Charlie say the phrase ‘nesting temperature’.

Bill had brought his new fiancée, who Molly seemed to greatly dislike. Bill didn’t seem to care about his mother’s assessment, and looking at Fleur, Lupin could see why. They seemed happy together. Remus let out an audible sigh, as his mind briefly recalled a specific shade of bubble-gum pink.

Kingsley and Hestia were whispering and frowning. Lupin knew they weren’t discussing Sirius either. Those two had been graciously pulling a lot of the weight for the Order, while those closest to Black had grieved.

Molly was still scurrying around, fussing with trays of food, and feeding everyone except herself (as usual). Arthur was flicking through one of Padfoot’s motorbike magazines smiling wistfully to himself. Lupin knew he was recalling the many conversations he had with Sirius about Muggle technology around the Grimmauld Place kitchen table.

Arthur had been a huge support to Remus recently, always available to provide advice, or just listen without judgement. His issues with Tonks at first, and in recent days…

All of them were here. Here for _Sirius_.

Moony tilted his head back and downed half his drink in one go. He straightened his tie, removed his jacket, and rolled up his shirt sleeves. He was suddenly sweating on the rather mild night.

Befittingly for a member of the Order of the Phoenix, Remus steeled himself to do what must be done. He held his head high, thinking about the bravest man he ever knew. It was time…

Time to say goodbye to him…

“Excuse me, everyone! May I have your attention, please?

Yes, that includes you, Dung!

Oh, you think so?...

Be quiet, you clown, before I put Molly on to you!...

(…)

(*chuckle*…)

… Keep interrupting me and I’ll hex your nose off, how does that sound?

(*chuckle*…)

You know, I didn’t think I’d be able to do that. Laugh tonight. But I think I owed it to Padfoot to try at least once. Of course, _he_ would have made us all laugh _without_ trying.

It’s been difficult to think of what to say about Sirius. What would do him justice. What would serve him. As a fighter. As a man who was a true friend.

The only thing close enough is this: I loved Sirius like a brother.

(…)

He was a friend to me, when not a lot of people would be, and he was the best sort of friend you could hope for. Loyal. Kind. Smart. Accepting. Generous. Funny. Willing to give his life to protect those he loved.

When we were at Hogwarts together, Sirius was the height of cool. Boys admired his daring and humour. Girls loved his good looks and dark demeanour. Most of the time, Padfoot ignored it all. He judged his own worth, not by of what others thought of him – good or bad - but by what he thought of himself.

He was never afraid to stand up and say: ‘this is who I am, and I don’t care what you think’. He didn’t care what his family, school mates, or teachers thought of him. He never followed the rules laid down by other people.

To me, that’s what _really_ made Sirius cool. He was always proud to be himself, even in the face of ridicule or hate, and he always encouraged me to do the same.

And while this attitude towards life led him to break more rules than anyone…

(…)

What was that?...

(…)

(*chuckle*…)

Yes, good point, Hagrid. Maybe Fred and George could challenge that notion…

(*chuckle*…)

Well, at any rate, Sirius always did what he believed, much like the twins. His heart was the only ruler he ever obeyed. You could always count on Sirius to think for himself, and he never judged his friends, because he hated being judged himself. I think that’s why the kids all adored him and valued his advice.

Yes, he had his demons. He always did. And he was never quite the same after Azkaban. I will never forgive myself for suspecting him… it…

(*sniff…*)

(…)

I’m OK, Molly…

(…)

Life inside changed him, but Sirius was strong, capable, and used to fighting impossible odds. That he was even _somewhat_ the man I knew before his stint in jail, was nothing short of a miracle. And you would be surprised how whole he really was.

Escaping from that hell just proves it. Determined. Resourceful. Driven. Incredibly brave. Obsessed with saving his godson. Prepared to go to any lengths to do what is right, and willing do what must be done. Throwing himself at any challenge to the fullest extent of his capabilities, and I can assure you that Sirius was highly capable, and a formidable talent.

It’s what made him such a great member of this organisation, an amazing friend, and a devoted godfather.

(…)

You know, I was lucky Dumbledore gave me a chance to teach. I had a career outside of the Order. Sirius never knew any other life except fighting. He never got to experience the peace we all enjoyed when Voldemort disappeared.

His life was… not without difficulty. Part of the reason we understood each other so well, I think. It’s such a shame that a good man like Padfoot was mistreated by fate so often and was denied so many of life’s joys. I think that’s part of the reason why Dumbledore was so keen to keep Sirius safe – so both he and Harry had a fighting chance to find some happiness.

He didn’t deserve what life threw at him. But he did deserve our love, and I know I speak true when I say that he thrived on your love, and it helped him heal. I can assure you, he loved all of you dearly in return.

The man’s heart… it… he…

(*sniff…*)

I’m sorry…

(*sniff…*)

(…)

Sirius knew pain. His experience of the world gave him darkness, but it also gave him an enormous amount of empathy for anyone going through tough times. That empathy allowed him to love fiercely. It’s what made him so special to us all. I know people often feel sorry for others when they go through difficulties, but Sirius was a firm believer that what we go through – our suffering – makes us stronger in the end.

Padfoot always said the pain, and the ability to survive it, made us better people. And he would know because he was one of the best people…

…I ever knew…

(*sniff…*)

He often said James and Lily never left him. That the ones who love us never truly leave us. I hope that is true, because the thought of facing life without Padfoot, and of facing Voldemort without him, terrifies me. Even though he was absent from my life for twelve whole years, these last twelve months with him living among us as family were a blessing.

Sirius gave me closure on James and Lily. He revealed the truth about what happened. That night in the Shack freed us both in a way… More than that, he brought his friendship back to me at full speed. Without regret. Without blame. Without reserve.

(*sniff…*)

So, I hope Sirius has not left me. Not just because I don’t want to face the future without him, but because he deserves to see you here tonight.

Hear your words. Witness your tears. Know how much you loved him.

(…)

Witches and wizards of the Order of the Phoenix, please raise your glasses with me.

(…)

To our fallen brother. To _my_ brother.

 **To Sirius Black**.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday (Boyz II Men – Cooleyhighharmony, 1991)
> 
> If you’ve picked up by now that I’m a metal head, then you’re probably wondering why on earth this song is here. Well, it’s because Sirius died in 1996. If you had the misfortune of attending any funerals in the 1990’s, there was a good chance that this song was playing. In the same way some songs become trendy at weddings, so some songs are continually wheeled out when people we love pass away.
> 
> This is one of those songs. One of those Muggle songs. Almost like a Muggle tradition… As a Muggle, when you hear this song, you can’t help but think of those who had left us. Whether we like it or not, this song now holds a place in our collective mind, and it’s meaning has been layered by our own losses. It would enrage Mrs Black, make Moony roll his eyes, and make Prongs roar with laughter at how utterly cliché it is. However, rather than Sirius being offended, I hope he’d get the sentiment – that I wanted to give him what constitutes a typical 1990’s Muggle send off.
> 
> Thanks for reading! If you liked this post, please hit the kudos button to let me know.


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